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"Did you hear what you said?" I craned my neck to see his face. "You confirmed that you use D/s to keep people out of your life. You let me in. Don't shut me out now. I'm not just one of your subs."
He shook his head and it was as if he wasn't listening or didn't hear me. "I have no choice."
He said it with such finality that I knew he was going to go through with it. I gave in at that point, my body going limp. I didn’t say anything. I waited.
He appeared to sense the fight was all gone from me and started stroking my behind again. Was he trying to decide whether to go through with this? He was touching me so gently, I couldn't imagine he'd hit me to punish me at that point.
It was then I sensed that the fight was all out of him as well. His hand stopped moving and he exhaled heavily. Then, to my complete surprise, he removed his leg from across mine and released me. I scrambled up and stood in front of him, my legs all wobbly from adrenaline.
He got up and went to the chair where his clothes were folded and he dressed. I followed him as he went to the hall closet and took out his coat.
"What are you doing?"
He slipped on his coat and then his boots, not meeting my eyes.
"Drake," I said, panicking. "What are you doing?"
"I don't know what to do any longer," he said, fatigue in his voice. "No matter what I do, it'll be wrong. If I spank you, you'll hate me. If I don't, you'll think I'm weak and despise me. I can't win." With that, he went to the door and opened it. "So, I'm going out."
"Where?"
"I don't know."
He left. I opened the door and followed him to the elevator.
"Don't go," I said, reaching out for him. "Not now. Not like this. We have to figure this out."
He sidestepped me, avoiding my touch. "I don't know what to do," he said, shaking his head, his face really pale. He looked completely defeated. "Don't follow me."
The elevator doors closed and I stood there, mute, in total shock.
I went back inside the apartment and closed the door, leaning against it, completely confused. Everything was now totally fucked up. I had no idea how to make it right again.
I went to the bed and threw myself down across it, dissolving into tears.
CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE
Drake was out all evening. I waited, giving him some time to mull things over before I texted him, but after a couple of hours, I was almost desperate to contact him.
Drake, please, come back. I can't stand this. I admitted I was wrong, and that I should have told you right away. I promise that from now on, I will tell you everything right away and be completely honest with you. I need you. I want only you…
There was no reply for about fifteen minutes, but then a single line:
I'm staying at 8th Avenue for the night.
I shook my head, unable to believe that this had turned into such a disaster of a day. Here, I'd been so happy, looking forward to Drake feeling better and our encounter later after a nap and Dave had to call Drake and tell him about the picture of Kurt and I at the fundraiser. I texted him back, having little hope it would work.
Please don't do this. I can't stand not having you beside me.
His response came in a few moments:
I need time alone to figure this out. Don't come here.
I probably should have given in at that point, but I couldn't hold back:
Drake, there's nothing to figure out. If you stay away now, you'll put a wall up between us. Don't. We might never be able to break it down and we'll become strangers. Please come back home now and let's see this through tonight. I can't imagine not being with you. I can't imagine not being able to reach out and touch you.
He didn't reply after a couple of minutes and so I made a decision. I was going to 8th Avenue if he wasn't coming home. I put my phone in my bag and got dressed as quickly as I could, throwing some jeans on beneath my black nightie and a sweater over top, pulled on my coat and scarf, boots and mitts, and grabbed my bag. I didn't tell him I was coming over because I didn’t want him to up and leave. I just went.
