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He drops me off and I go inside the hospital to see my mom, walking through the maze of hallways and then taking the elevator to get to her room. They've taken her off the ICU unit and put her on the neurology ward, so instead of the bustle of the ICU, she's in a much quieter ward. At that time of night, there are only a few visitors, mostly family. I slip into her room after checking in at the nursing station.
She's alone and sleeping, her head turned to the window, which overlooks another wing of the hospital, rows and rows of windows. I feel so bad for her, being alone, and all at once I get this feeling that I've been spending far too much time working and far too little time living.
"Mom?" I say quietly, taking her hand and squeezing it. I don't want her to stay asleep because I want her to know I was here.
She turns her head and blinks, then she finally sees me and smiles. "Sweetie," she whispers. "You're here."
"I am," I say and lean down to kiss her cheek.
"It's Saturday night. Aren't you supposed to be at a party meeting a date?"
I smile and can't help but feel tears in my eyes because she remembers. I've been so afraid that she'd never recover her mind or memory but she seems totally fine.
"It was a bust," I say, pulling up a chair and sitting beside her.
"Another flop?"
"Yes," I say and sigh dramatically. "I guess I'm destined to be an old maid."
"Ha!" She belly-laughs, and I laugh with her. "You're a beauty. If you’d just slow down for a minute or two, one of the men chasing you will catch you."
"Oh, mom, that's such 1970s thinking. Today, both men and women chase each other. Didn't you know?"
She smiles and her eyes close. "I know. I was just kidding. What about Jon? Are you two ever going to just admit what you feel for each other and get together?"
I frown, shocked that she'd say that. "What do you mean?"
She cracks one eye open. "You know exactly what I mean. That boy is in love with you. You're in love with him. The two of you are just stubborn."
I don’t say anything for a moment.
"I'm surprised you've been thin
king that. You’ve never said anything."
"I tried but you never wanted to hear it," she says simply. "Plus, sometimes we can only learn something the hard way, and we only hear when we're ready to hear."
"Jon wants us to get together for real, but I'm afraid he can't make a commitment."
"Then don't be with him. Find someone else. Tell him that."
"I want him, but not the way he wants us to be."
"Tell him," she says, squeezing my hand. "Give him the alternative. He has you or someone else does. You want someone exclusive. If he can't give that, move on."
"I don't want things to go sour with us. We've already been… intimate."
"Oh," she says and glances away. "That complicates things." After a moment, she looks back at me. "What do you want? What do you really want?"
"I want him to be exclusive. He wants us to just live for the moment together and see where things go."
"No commitment, in other words."
"Nope," I say. "That's what's holding me back. We know each other better than anyone else, so I don't think we need to wait and see."
"There you have it. Tell him that. If he wants you, he'll be willing to make the commitment."
"If he says no, I feel like I'll have to leave Pacifica."
