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"Why?" she says, frowning. "You built that company just as much as he has. You should just buckle down and work hard, be friendly but not expect anything if he won't be exclusive."
I frown and don't know what to say.
"I'm afraid if I make a decision, it'll be the wrong one. If I just let things go on as they are, at least Jon and I are still friends and we still have Pacifica…"
"You have to decide what you want more – Pacifica or Jon."
"Both."
She shakes her head. "Sometimes, you have to choose. You can try it Jon's way and see how things go, or you can force the issue and see if he decides you're important enough to give exclusivity a try.”
"That's it, isn't it? I have to bend or Jon does."
"Life is a big compromise. You have to decide what battles you want to fight and on which hill you want to die."
I make a face of mock surprise. "Mom, that's such a militant thing to say. Battles, fight, dying…"
"Love and war," she says and her voice is now tired. "The two go together. It's always a power struggle when two people get together at some level. You have to decide to stay and fight, or give up and leave."
We sit for a moment while this sinks into my brain. She smiles at me. "Tell me about your date. Why didn’t he work out?"
"He was everything I should like – tall, dark, and handsome, smart, successful. Attentive. But Jon is…"
"You’re in love with Jon, India. Give it a try. See what happens. The worst is a broken heart and leaving Pacifica with your shares and a lot of experience under your belt. You'll be a success no matter what you try next and eventually, you'll find a man who's right for you."
We talk for a few more minutes about her health and how my father is handling being on his own. Then, I stand and lean over, kissing her forehead.
"I'll go and let you sleep," I say softly. "You look tired."
"Thanks for coming."
Then I leave, with a promise to come by tomorrow, and make my way out of the hospital, intending to call an Uber to get me home. There, waiting by the curb, is Jon.
I go to the car and open the passenger door.
"You waited," I say when I get inside.
"I'm not a fool," he says and waits until I get my seatbelt fastened. "I knew you might get cold feet and go home instead of coming to my place."
"Jon," I say, frustrated that he's right. "You should give me the space to make my own decisions."
"I want you in my bed."
We drive off and he says nothing else.
I watch the roads, wondering whether he's taking me to his place or mine. I finally see familiar scenery and I realize he's dropping me off at my place.
We pull up to my house overlooking the ocean and he stops, not looking at me. It's my move. If I get out, he'll drive off without saying anything and we'll be where we were before any of this happened, except we'll have the sex between us. Maybe we can get back to that place when things were good.
I think I'd rather be there than where we are now.
I open the door. He doesn't say anything and neither do I.
He drives off and I watch him leave, my heart racing.
We're both so damn stubborn.
I key in the numbers to my keypad door lock and miss the first time, cursing my fingers, which are shaking. I finally get it right after a second try and go inside the cool dark interior. The only light comes from over the stove and so I go into my living room and plop down on my sofa. Outside my window is the view of the San Francisco Bay. I can see lights from a ship out in the harbor and it makes me so sad to be alone, looking at that beautiful view.
