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“Then tell me how you want this to go.” Don’t go too far.
“I don’t want us. I don’t want you. We don’t fit, Foley. We never will. We took what friendship we had and pushed it too far. You only love the circumstance of me, the novelty of less ordinary. But that’ll wear ugly too soon and be a stain on what we had.”
Don’t. Don’t go. She pulled at his hand. “You love me.”
He shook his head. “I never told you that.”
There was no blood left in her hand. “Liar.” He hadn’t said love, he’d said adore, but she’d felt his love in every gesture, every held glance, every accidental touch. And if his kisses didn’t say love then the whole emotion was a total con job. “Don’t do this.”
“I’m moving on. Don’t look for me.”
“No, no, no. You’ve had a tough couple of days, and … and I put too much pressure on you, and your dad showing up, what you must’ve heard, and …” Stay, please, please stay.
He scoffed. “I heard him say what he always said. Why can’t I grow up and get over it.” He rubbed his thumb over the back of her hand. “I should’ve called us over a long time ago. I’m sorry. You should go.”
It was only panic if you let yourself get boxed in. Don’t go. Stay. “Right, that’s why you can’t let go of me.”
He stepped back, severing their handhold as if he’d been swarmed by a thousand bluebottles and gone into a cold shock. He had no cause to do this, to electrocute them with sting after sting. She took a step towards him. “What did last night mean to you, just a casual fuck?”
“No. Don’t do that. Don’t unpack our history and paint it a different colour. I will forever hold my time with you as a moment of brilliance. It’s not what we’ve done that’s a problem, it’s what would need to come, and we don’t have a future.”
“You don’t have to do this. Condemn yourself, condemn us?”
In the park Adam’s dad shouted, “Do as you’re told. Come back here.”
“I was your job, Foley. And I was as fascinating to you as you were to me. But those circumstances have changed.”
“Only the part about you being my job. And you stopped being my job a long time ago. There is no circumstance we can’t work through.” Come back, come back, come back here.
He folded his arms, a tight barrier across his heart. “There’s no circumstance where I’d want to change, and that’s what you’d need me to do.”
It wasn’t panic or dismay or sadness she felt anymore. “You’re going to live in a cave for the rest of your life like a hermit squatter. You’re going to squander your talents.”
“Now you get it.”
He turned his face away, his eyes lost to the sea. He would never act unless he had total control and choice over his circumstances. And he’d chosen to leave her.
She was stung to numb.
30: Nothing to Lose
Drum didn’t watch Foley leave. He left her standing in her inappropriate shoes on the upper rock ledge. He made the journey to the cave the way he’d done thousands of times, except this time his chest was ripped open and his heart was exposed to the elements. He didn’t understand how that could be, how ending it with her could hurt so much. He didn’t think he had the capacity to feel the kind of pain that made it hard to walk.
It was no surprise to stumble, go to his knees. There was more pain when he smacked his face into the ledge, a hard bite, a gouge to his cheekbone and an instant stream of blood. One eye closed, knees throbbing, he cursed and stumbled the rest of the way to the cave and collapsed on the couch. He used the sleeve of his hoodie to staunch the bleeding, but the wound to his chest felt fatal.
The three hundred and eighty-seven had taught him the sliding scale of horror and pain and the deep impact of guilt. This parting from Foley might tear what remaining humanity he had out of him and leave him skeletal; dry, worn bones and shredded intelligence. He bled and he ached from cheek to knee and the final desiccation of his emotions was surely complete.
It hardly mattered what happened to him from here, the only thing that did was getting away so she couldn’t find him again. Because she wouldn’t give up so he’d have to make it impossible for her. She needed to find the person who was good enough to be part of her life’s puzzle and he could never be the man who would fit her best.
He thought of blue on blue and sand, with a flash of red engraved on her side. He thought of Foley fighting for his sanity and his soul, defending him against Alan. He saw the wind take her scarf away.
His father take his self-respect.
He must’ve slept because there were long shadows when he woke. It was time to move on.
He took his shoes and holey socks off and went to the edge. This would be the last time. The final place he could fall. A true goodbye. He curled his toes over the sandstone and watched the waves break on the rock fall below. It was a brutal, unforgiving drop. This edge had always been a kind of talisman, an ecological lucky charm, to remind him that no matter how bad he felt there was always a worse outcome, but he didn’t need the reminder anymore because there was nothing else to give away, nothing else to lose.
He took a deep breath and spread his arms, lifting his torn face to the sky, to the winter sun. He balanced there listening to the crash of the sea and the scream of a gull, his pulse in his ears, and then he dropped his arms and took a step back, and another, turned and looked at the cave for the last time, collected his shoes, socks and left the cliff.
