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He rocked her into his body and gave a snort of laughter. “I said I’d take a dare.”
“Will.”
“No it’s not. We chose it.”
“Because you liked Spiderman?”
“Hey.” He was mock indignant. “I let Pete choose. He was a nerdy fourteen year old kid. He thought it would be cool to have the same name as a superhero. He still does—the big dag.”
“That’s why I couldn’t find you in Tara.”
“I gather that means you went looking.”
She nodded into his chest. “Before we went to Feng’s village I wrote a profile on you. I broke Peter’s agreement. I used everything you told me, but nothing that might hurt you. I wanted to tell the world you’re a good man with no reason to kill anyone.”
“I’m not such a good man.”
“You’re wrong.”
“You’d change your mind.”
“Try me. I dare you.”
29. Confession
“Have no friends not equal to yourself.” — Confucius
Will groaned. “You have no sense of fairness, Lois.”
She sat so her knees were either side of his, her weight on his thighs. “You’re not exactly easy to get along with either,” she said, her eyes flashes of brilliance in the low light.
She could strip his soul with those eyes, with that way of burrowing under his skin. He was so frightened for her. For what she’d let them do in here. For what still needed to unfold before she was safe. She was reckless, more reckless than he was by far. She hadn’t yet learned what that could earn you. A lifetime of looking over your shoulder. A fear you could never build enough, go far enough, climb high enough, to get away from what you really were.
This sudden reprieve, this new shot at life, it was a freedom he didn’t deserve. He could accept he hadn’t killed Feng. He’d never been sure, just knew the worst was in his skill set. He had form, as Norman used to say.
He’d meant form as an idiot who couldn’t read, who would never finish school, never leave Tara, never have anything of his own. Form as a hothead and a troublemaker, and a waste of space. Form as a punching bag.
He could tell Darcy and then she’d understand. He could tell her and watch the death of what she felt for him fall away in increments, in disappointed lumps. They were madness and magic together, and he’d not had his fill of her, and he wasn’t ready to risk losing her yet. He hadn’t even told her what she meant to him.
He stroked both hands down her arms, till he was holding her hands. “When those bastards grabbed me, I knew there was a chance I wouldn’t make it out in one piece.” She blinked at him, holding her body rigid as if braced for ruin. “But I knew I had to keep fighting too. Not let them know I was scared witless. I thought about you. About how you let me touch you in Pudong, about how you let me come to you at the hotel. You were fearless. So I sang.”
She shook her head, confused. “Sang?”
“Yeah, Green Day, like you did in the bath. I sang till my voice gave out.”
She squeezed h
is hands.
“And in here, when I thought...when I thought I wasn’t getting out, and I might not make it through to a trial without getting beaten to death, I daydreamed about you. You were so deep in my head I thought I could smell your skin, feel your hair between my fingers.”
She moved forward, rested her forehead on his. He sensed she’d smell of sweat and sex and the floral perfume of her shampoo.
“And now, when I thought I might never get to have you again, touch any woman ever again, and I was too scared to take you, you gave yourself to me without concern for your own safety. You want to know why I need some convincing of my own innocence, right?”
She nodded, taking her hands out of his and playing them across his chest. He could tell by her uneven breathing his words were affecting her.
“You gave me strength when my life was threatened and you brought me escape when I was losing it in here. And then you go save my life for real. I can’t help myself but be a greedy bastard. If I tell you why I’m not and never will be free of guilt, it’ll change the way you feel about me, and that’s not good enough because I love you and I don’t want to lose you yet. So I’m not answering your question, and I’ll take any dare you care to set.”
