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“Oh shit. Never mind.” I forgot my sublet renter is there.
“You can stay with me,” she replies as if she read my mind “I’m getting in my truck right now.” I hear the door slam shut. “Marnie’s Cafe? Is that where you’re going?”
“Yeah.”
Just hearing her voice is a comfort when I feel so lost and confused. “I don’t know what I did wrong.”
“Sweetie, it probably wasn’t you,” Penelope says, reassuringly. “We’ll talk it through. I’ll be there soon, okay? Hang tight.”
“Okay,” I say, and she says goodbye before ending the call. I’m not sobbing anymore, but the tears are still sliding down my cheeks. I let myself silently cry as I watch the mountains flash by the window.
I wish it could’ve worked out, but of course this happened. It was always going to happen; things dissolving like this are inevitable. I shouldn’t be surprised, but it happened so quickly, far more quickly than I was anticipating.
I feel so stupid for letting myself get attached and letting my guard down. I feel foolish for getting myself into this situation, but if there’s one thing I do know it’s that I’m a strong person. I’ll get through this eventually.
From this angle, I can see the hill by the lake near Parker’s house, the hill he said he’d take me to someday. That day never came. I force myself to look away because the visual hurts too much.
9
Parker
SIX WEEKS LATER
The day Kacee left, Evie and Jackson left me alone in the kitchen and went to their rooms. I could hear them whispering instead of playing, and I was curious as to what they were thinking right then.
I didn’t want to think about how I’d let them down in all of this, but I was trying to keep my head clear so I could calm myself down, but it was too hard.
When I closed my eyes, all I could see was Rebecca. She was young and looked the same before she died. Beautiful and always with a smile on her face. She looked so angelic.
The dream that startled me awake seemed so real, so vivid like it was actually happening. Evie and Jackson were the same ages they are now, but Rebecca was here in the cabin with us. She was doing everything Kacee usually did—she made breakfast with me, kissed me over coffee, sat and ate omelets with us. Evie and Jackson took turns sitting on her lap, and I watched as she read to them and played board games with them. It had all felt so real and right in the dream as if she never died and this was our life together. I didn’t know any other reality except for that one.
Then the dream warped and my subconscious took over because suddenly I remembered Kacee. I didn’t know where she was, except that she wasn’t in the picture. I couldn’t reconcile what I was seeing with the knowledge that somebody else belonged there. I watched as Rebecca dissolved away, and I stood in the kitchen alone.
It made me wake up, gasping air in a panic.
My first thought was how I had replaced Rebecca and her memory. Jackson already didn’t remember her. Evie only had fleeting memories. They had already forgotten her and replaced that need for a mother with Kacee.
The thought caused a conflicting war within me. I’d loved Becca so damn much and feeling her lips against mine like it was really happening fucked me up.
The moment it hit me, I didn’t know how to deal with those feelings, and the only thing that felt right was to push Kacee away. I couldn’t think—hell, I couldn’t breathe—with her here.
I know it wasn’t her fault, and I was a jackass for the way I acted. I can’t blame her for no
t wanting to talk to me. However, it’s been over a month, and Penelope won’t even tell me where she is.
I’ve decided to do something entirely out of my comfort zone, but it’s time I man up and do the right thing. I’ve tormented myself for weeks, wanting to kick myself for forcing her out. I never claimed to be an easy man to figure out, but I’ll do whatever it takes to show her how sorry I am.
I haven’t even been able to explain my side, though I know it doesn’t warrant the way I acted, she deserves to know nevertheless. I’ve told Penelope, and even though she says she understands, she’s respecting Kacee’s wishes by not telling me where she lives.
Since I didn’t want to put Penelope in the middle, I went about my own way of figuring out where her apartment is.
Driving to the city scares the shit out of me. All my memories there are tainted and pain and the last time I was here, it was to identify my wife’s body. But today I put that aside and focus on what I’m going to say to Kacee when I see her again for the first time in weeks. God, I miss her so damn much. I freaked out, I won’t deny that much, but I wish she’d give me the opportunity to apologize and at least grovel for her forgiveness.
I stop at a market first, picking out a bouquet of flowers before I head to her apartment. She’s not expecting me, so I hope she’s home and will give me the time to say what I came to say. If after she hears what I have to say she still wants nothing to do with me, then I’ll respect that and never bother her again. But I have to try at least.
My heart races as I stand in front of her door, mentally preparing myself for the apology of a lifetime. I can do this.
Just as I bring my hand up to knock, the door whips open. The air is knocked out of my lungs the moment I see her gorgeous, glowing face.
