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“You mean back at the hotel, don’t you?” I ask.
“Yes. What we did was incredible. I can’t stop thinking about it. But I also can’t stop thinking about how dangerous this all is. We have so much to lose, and I think it’d be stupid to let our feelings put all of that at risk.”
“Where is this coming from? Just a few days ago, you were really excited to meet in person.”
She stands up with her beer, turning her back to me. “I know I was.”
This doesn’t make any sense to me. Before, we’d planned on spending so much time together, and now all of a sudden, she wants to change her mind and what? End things? “What changed then?”
Exasperated, she spins around. “I don’t know, Liam. I wish I could tell you, but I don’t know. I’m—I’m scared that we could get in trouble. I’ve worked my entire career to get to this position, and I don’t want to throw it away—”
“Jesus, being with me is throwing it away?”
Harlow sighs. “No, I should've worded it better. I care about you, Liam, but I also care about my job. If Kristen were ever to find out, do you know how pissed she'd be that I was sleeping with one of our writers? She'd fire me on the spot. All my hard work, gone. And do you think I'd be able to work at another publishing house in New York? If I were to call someone in my contact list right now, I'd probably end up with five different rumors about various agents and editors and authors. You know how we all love to gossip. I'd never live it down.”
I can’t even argue with her there. I’ve heard stories about authors for years, some of them career-ending. As much as I care about her, I don’t want her risking everything, reputation included, just so that we can spend a bit of time together.
“We can put this on pause and then continue when I get back home?” I suggest.
The look on her face isn’t a good sign. “I… I can’t do long-distance relationships, Liam. I wish I could, but I need someone here.”
I raise my arms out of frustration. None of this is making sense. “Well if you don’t want me when I’m here and you don’t want me when I’m gone, what the fuck do you want to do? Is that why you came over here? You wanted to break things off with me?”
She chews on her lip, her eyes welling with tears. Instinctively, I want to reach out and touch her, but I don’t. I stay planted where I am, my eyes never leaving her. I need answers. I can’t coddle her or take care of her, especially when she’s made it so obvious that she doesn’t want me to touch her.
“I guess…I guess, yes. I think we should stop seeing each other.”
Fuck. I tried to prepare myself, but it still hurts hearing her say that. For the past four months, she’s all I’ve thought about. Before I went to bed, when I woke up, and every other minute in between. But now it’s all over.
“Jesus,” I groan, sitting on the bed and putting my head in my hands. “Fuck.”
“I’m sorry,” she says softly.
I can’t even speak. I feel frustratingly helpless. I can’t tell her not to leave me and put me before her job. I can’t do that to her. But I don’t want to just accept this. I can’t let her get away right when I’ve just started to fall for her. “I think we should just talk this out before we start making rash decisions,” I say.
“No,” Harlow shakes her head. She wipes her eyes and puts her drink on the table beside the TV. “I’ve made up my mind, Liam. I’m sorry, but…I can’t do this anymore.”
“Fine.”
It’s the only thing I can think of saying. I watch as Harlow grabs her coat and puts it on. She ties the front on her way to the door. Before she leaves, she looks back at me. Her eyes are puffy and swollen, her eyebrows knit together like it physically hurts to walk away.
“I’m sorry,” she says. She closes the door without another word.
This is a nightmare. It wasn’t supposed to be this way. We were supposed to be together. We’d keep it a secret until we were finally able to tell the world. Everything had been laid out so carefully, and now? It’s all over. In a flurry of anger, I grab my bottle and throw it at the wall. It shatters into pieces, beer streams racing down the wallpaper. I could yell. I could break everything in this room.
Instead, I grab my suitcases and start packing up. There’s nothing here for me anymore. There’s nothing here for me at all.
11
Harlow
Katie and her siblings come screaming into the kitchen and bump Britney’s chair, causing her to spill a bit of her coffee. She scowls and grabs a napkin, and I can’t help but laugh at how rambunctious the kids are. There are times when I envy my older sister and the family she’s built, but this certainly isn’t one of them. The kids are out of school for an extra day, and Britney’s clearly ready for their regular schedule to resume.
I can't blame her. We'd initially planned on going out today, but this morning she called me and told me there was no way she could leave them alone so we could get lunch. Instead, I volunteered to pick up Chinese food and come over to eat with her.
Between sips of coffee and bites of her Chow Mein, Britney looks at me suspiciously.
“What?” I ask, smiling slightly.
