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About six months ago, in a fit of love for me, Pitajee had attempted to surprise me by sticking a glow-in-the-dark whale on the ceiling of my room. We still have lengthy discussions about what prompted Pitajee to think that I would like to have a grinning, glow-in-the-dark whale on my ceiling to stare at me every night. It was this glow-in-the-dark whale that I now stared at as I thought about Rajeev, surprised at the deep, seething, painful yearning that seared through me.
Have you ever read about those loose women who have affairs with their bosses? And wondered who those girls are?
Well, I was one of them … I know, I know … grossly unprofessional and all that but … well … that is what happened. In my defence, Rajeev was the most handsome man I had ever set my eyes on and I fell madly in love with that gorgeous face the moment I walked into his cabin. Just like that, in one moment, as if someone had flicked on the switch, I fell in love. That he seemed as interested in me certainly helped matters. To put it really mildly, he swept me off my feet. He was the knight in an embroidered waistcoat, carrying a sword in a scabbard and I was the pretty damsel in an off-shoulder white gown. Yes, it was as pathetic as that … really.
All turned very sour then when I caught him red-handed with his girlfriend. The other girlfriend. The real girlfriend.
How does it feel to be cheated on? I saw the question written on the faces that looked sympathetically at me during that time. Now, however, I will answer it. It’s quite simple really. First, you take the sharpest sword known to mankind. Heat it over a crackling fire so that the metal is molten red. Impale it in your chest and then slowly turn it around.
That is how it felt.
Oddly enough, tonight, the pain, the shame, the humiliation of being cheated on, did not come to me in the rushed bursts it still did sometimes. Tonight, I thought about how it felt to be that madly in love with someone. I don’t know if you will understand what I say now … but … let me give it a try. I love Purva with all my mind. He makes sense and, most importantly, he loves me more than I love him.
Rajeev, I loved differently. I threw caution to the winds and loved him with my heart. I could think about something he had said for days on end. I could, probably, kill for that one look from him. He would stand at the other end of the room and when our eyes met, smile that beautiful smile of his and then wink at me – a quick, secret wink meant only for me. It was like we had a secret language that no one else could understand. Not that anyone else mattered. There was electricity between us … there was mad attraction … there was fire…
As these thoughts danced violently in my head, a shudder, a fear ran through me and I hurriedly, frantically, dialled a number.
‘Kasturi, honey, is everything okay?’ came Purva’s calm voice the next instant.
‘I am fine, Purva … I just wanted to hear your voice,’ I said, holding the phone to one ear and hugging a pillow to my chest. No, I am not fine … something is wrong … why … why am I thinking of the past?
There was silence on the other end for a few moments.
‘Are you scared, Kasturi?’ he asked, in his calmest voice, which, to my tired and worried ears, sounded like a well-loved lullaby.
‘Yes,’ I said. I am so, so, so scared, Purva. Scared of myself.
‘Are you freaking out about the surprise engagement?’
I said nothing.
‘Everything all right, Kas?’ he prodded further.
‘What if something does not work out, Purva? What if something goes wrong?’
I could hear Purva smile. If he were with me, I know he would have pulled me into a hug and I would have felt better immediately.
‘See, I am not going anywhere … and you are not either … or…’ he said, now laughing, ‘if you change your mind and think of wandering away, I will just pull you closer towards me.’
‘You will pull me closer?’ I asked.
‘I won’t let you go, Kasturi.’
Please don’t let me go, Purva. Please don’t.
‘Do you want me to read something to you?’ he asked.
I nodded my head and then remembered that he could not see me. ‘Yes, please.’ I said meekly.
I heard Purva smile again. For reasons best known to the cosmos, Purva’s voice, generally a low, quiet baritone, calms and soothes me like nothing else can. Listening to him speak is my meditation.
‘You little devil! I can just find a book on cardio surgery. Will that do?’
‘Are you in the hospital?’ I asked.
‘Yes, I am … but don’t worry, I am between shifts. This book will do?’
‘Does not matter,’ I said, desperate to hear his voice.
