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He says there was a party you both went to, he told me about it, you spent the evening talking to each other, he walked you home and then you were so drunk you forgot about it.
No I say, no I don’t remember that, and I think and I try and remember, no I say, I really don’t remember.
He doesn’t say anything, he turns the radio up a little and adjusts his seat, he says do you know the way, do you want to look at the map.
I look at the map, I look out of the window and I recognise the landscape, I recognise the way the fields are tipping up towards the first edges of the town, away to the far left, I look at the map again.
I say but I would like to meet him, when he comes back, do you think he’ll want to I say, and he says yes, very quietly, yes I think he would.
We come off the motorway at the next junction, and I start slipping directions into the conversation.
He says do you think it was weird, me saying that about my brother, you know, about him being in love?
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I think for a moment, left at this next roundabout I say.
We drive past a retail estate, and I see a line of cars crossing an empty carpark like wagons across a prairie.
I say well yes, I did, it did throw me a bit, it wasn’t really what I was expecting.
Straight over at these lights I say.
It’s a big word I say, love, it seems a bit, you know, clumsy.
He says I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to spin you out, I wanted to tell you, I wanted to see what you thought, I say but I don’t really think anything I don’t even know him, I’m sorry.
No he says, I suppose not.
Left at this pub I say, and we swing into my old estate, lunging over battered speed-bumps, and I wind down my window and it all comes rushing in, this place, the smell of it, the feel of it, pieces of things that happened when I was younger.
Right at the mini roundabout I say, and I remember falling off my bike and breaking my glasses, my mum stopping my pocket money until the new pair was paid for, left past the shops I say.
Can I ask you something I say, he says yes, he turns the radio off, I say why are you doing this?
He says you said you couldn’t afford the train fare, no not that I say.
I say why are you here, now, telling me all these things about your brother, asking me how I feel, what are you trying to achieve?
He stops the car, suddenly, he looks at me and says shit I’m sorry I didn’t mean to upset you.
You haven’t upset me I say, I just, it’s a strange thing to do and I’m interested to know why you’re doing it.
I don’t know he says, he looks atme, I can’t answer that he says.
He says he told me you looked lonely and he couldn’t do anything about it.
We drive past my old junior school, left I say, left again, and then round a corner and we’re outside my parents’ house, my house.
I thank him for the lift, I offer him a cup of tea before he goes.
He says no, thanks, I should probably leave you to it, and he gives me the phone number of where he’s staying, he says call me when you want to go back.
He says, if that’s okay, I mean, if you don’t mind, and I smile and say of course I don’t mind.
He drives away, and I wave, and I stand outside my house and wait.
I look down at my stomach, and I wonder if it shows properly.
