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She’d had his eye, his attention, and she’d let a desire for a baby blind her to what she and James had shared. Now, by the grace of God, she would have his baby, but no longer had any other claim over the most important man to ever enter her life.
He’d announced they were getting married and she’d said no. Idiot. But how could she have said yes when the only reason he’d asked had been because of the baby?
But, then, had she told him about the baby in the hope he’d not leave? Sure, ethics played a role, but had she secretly hoped James would polish his armor and come riding in on his trusty white steed?
But he ha
dn’t swept her off her feet because she hadn’t been around for him to do any sweeping. When all was said and done, she’d be left to face each day alone. And she couldn’t blame anyone but herself.
“You OK?” Blue eyes stared at her, then quickly glanced at the road and back.
“I’m not sure my dinner agreed with me.” What was she supposed to say? That she felt like she was dying on the inside? That she missed him and wanted him to come home? Wait, she had said that.
He’d said no.
A sob gurgled up her throat and she bit it back, turning to stare out the window at the Twenty-First Avenue traffic.
“You didn’t eat enough for it to have upset your stomach.”
She turned, noticed his white-knuckled grip on the leather-coated steering wheel and wondered at his tension.
“Why?” she asked, before giving thought to her words. “Why did you have to leave me?”
Was that desperation she heard in her voice? She hated it, felt reduced to the lonely little girl she’d once been, begging for someone to love her, anyone. She’d survived then, learned to rely on herself, to throw herself into other things and excel at them. School first, then work. That had been enough. Until James. Until she’d begun to crave what he wouldn’t give her and had once again thrown herself into a working frenzy to distract herself from the emotional deficits in her life.
And now what? Was she going to snivel and beg for his love? Not during this lifetime. She lifted her chin.
“I shouldn’t have said that. We’ve discussed why you left and that you don’t want to come home. Now we have to figure out how we’re going to handle being parents that live in separate households, a subject we managed to completely avoid discussing during dinner.” They’d talked about Wilma Barnes, about his new students, about her appointment with Dr McGowan, about the raccoon who kept getting into the garbage, but not about any of the issues between them. “I’m sure we can come to an understanding.”
He didn’t say anything for a long time, just pulled into the Vanderbilt parking garage where she’d parked. He found a space near her car.
“How do you propose we do that?” He sounded distant, like he’d added another layer to that protective wall he hid behind.
She bit the inside of her lip, laid her hand over her protruding belly and sighed. “I’m not sure, but there has to be a way we can both be happy because, despite what you may think, I do want you to be happy, James.”
Although, watching him stare at the dashboard, looking so unlike the man she’d once laughed with, held in her arms, and woken up next to, she wondered if she’d ever be happy again.
CHAPTER SIX
AS PROMISED the night before, James met Melissa in the hospital waiting room and accompanied her to her sonogram appointment. A hundred times he’d considered backing out, had woken up in a cold sweat during the night with the reality of what he’d agreed to do.
He didn’t want to see his baby, didn’t want that image mixing with Cailee’s.
But he had no choice. He’d given Melissa his word. So here he stood, bracing himself for what he’d soon see on the screen, while the ultrasound technician rolled the wand over Melissa’s protruding belly. He stared haplessly at Melissa’s stomach, hoping he didn’t throw up—or, worse, pass out.
Because he couldn’t recall ever feeling this clammy, this weak-kneed. Well, yes, he could recall another time he’d felt this bad, and worse. When Cailee died.
Gel shone slickly on Melissa’s goosebumped skin. How could she be cold when he was sweating like a horse?
Straining her neck to see the screen, Melissa watched the monitor with awe on her face. Awe and protectiveness. It did his heart good to see her maternal instincts coming out. Because, during the long hours of his restless night, he’d decided the best thing he could do for their baby was to make sure Melissa took care of herself and to teach her not to let her career overwhelm every aspect of her life. That way she’d reach her potential of being a great mother, because he didn’t think he’d be a good father. How could someone who was afraid to care about a baby be a good dad?
“Amazing,” Melissa said, her voice hoarse with emotion.
He didn’t want to look. He really didn’t. Yet the light in her eyes, the look of pure love, suckered him in. What on the screen was so powerful as to completely entrance Melissa? Bracing himself, James looked, expecting familiar guilt to wash over him, expecting the image of Cailee’s face to overwhelm him.
Instead, he saw a tiny little person moving with an energy that defied the confines of Melissa’s belly. He watched in amazement as the baby carried on moving, oblivious to its spectators.
Unexpectedly, his fingers itched to touch the screen, to make contact with the baby. His baby. The child he and Melissa made together.
