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He didn’t want a baby. Knew he didn’t want one. Would argue till hell froze over that he never wanted kids.
Yet when he looked at the ultrasound monitor, saw the tiny person he’d helped make, he wanted it. Wanted with all his being for their baby to be healthy and happy and have a wonderful life. He knew deep in his gut that he’d move heaven and earth to make that happen.
His baby.
He held himself tense for fear of thoughts of Cailee. Thoughts that didn’t come. Instead, his thoughts focused on the tiny heart beating, the most precious gift he’d ever received.
With that tiny beating heart also came great fear. How could he take a chance on being responsible for a baby? On risking the devastation his parents had endured? The devastation he’d endured? What if he messed up and Melissa had to endure that pain because of him?
He wanted to take her in his arms, tell her all the wild thoughts bombarding him, tell her about Cailee. He’d almost told her once. Not long after he’d moved in with her, they’d been lying in bed in the afterglow of making love.
“James, do you see us having babies and growing old together someday?” she’d asked, lazily trailing her fingers over his bare chest. But there hadn’t been anything lazy in her gaze. There had been longing, longing for things he hadn’t wanted and a new fear had seized him. A fear that he might lose her.
“I can’t imagine ever not wanting to be with you, Melissa, but we don’t need babies to be happy. Not as long as we have each other.”
She’d raised herself up on her elbows, stared at him oddly. “You really don’t want kids? A girl who looks like you, a boy who looks like me?”
He’d rubbed his hand over his stubble-strewn jaw. “I don’t. If that’s where you see us going, I have to warn you otherwise. I won’t ever have kids.”
Her eyes had widened. “You can’t have kids?”
“I don’t choose to.”
“Why not? You’d make such a wonderful father, James.”
And that’s when he started to tell her about Cailee. He wouldn’t make a good daddy. He wasn’t even able to keep an eye on his three-month-old sister for two hours while his parents went out for the evening. Friends stopped by and Cailee was sleeping in her crib, so he thought nothing of the hour he spent shooting the breeze on the front porch. After all, if Cailee woke up, he’d hear her through the open doorway. Only she didn’t wake up and when, his friends having gone, he finally checked on her, she wasn’t breathing, and despite his frantic but unskilled efforts, nothing he did revived her. By the time the paramedics arrived, it was too late. The medical examiner ruled it as SIDS, sudden infant death syndrome, but James knew her death was his fault. If he’d been watching her, if he’d known what to do, he could have saved her, and he hadn’t. It was his fault Cailee died. His fault that his parents couldn’t heal from the loss and divorced less than six months later.
“I can’t think of anything I’d less want to be than a daddy.” He’d sat up, pulling Melissa to him so he could look into her eyes. “There will never be kids if you spend your life with me. If you can’t live with that, we should end this now, before either of us gets hurt.”
He’d waited with bated brea
th for her answer.
“But why? Why wouldn’t you want babies?”
Again, he’d considered telling her about Cailee. But what if Melissa couldn’t care for a man directly responsible for a baby’s death? What if she left him because of his negligence? After all the official reports, he’d never spoken of Cailee to anyone. Just the thought of saying her name out loud had been enough to convince him not to start now.
“The world is a horrible place,” he’d said instead. “There’s war, crime, hatred, diseases, overpopulation—Shall I go on? I don’t need children to validate my existence. The basic fact is that I don’t want kids. If you do, if I’m not enough, we should call it quits now.”
She’d stared at him for the longest time, then leaned forward and placed a gentle kiss on his lips. “I want you, James.”
“I’m serious, Melissa.” He’d needed to know she agreed, that she’d be with him without pressuring him for things he didn’t want.
“So am I. I want to be with you, James. Always.”
Always, she’d said, and he’d thought everything would be fine.
How wrong he’d been.
“Do you want to know the sex of your baby?” the technician asked, causing James to blink, realize that he’d gotten caught up in the past and forgotten where he was, what was happening.
His gaze met Melissa’s. Had she been watching him while he’d reminisced about days gone by? Confusion shone in her eyes. No wonder. He felt damned confused himself, mostly by his own reactions. They’d agreed on no kids and yet…He swallowed the knot in his throat.
“No,” Melissa answered, still studying him with bright eyes that saw too much.
“Yes,” James said at the same time, surprising himself at the admission. Particularly as he hadn’t known until that moment that he wanted to know everything he possibly could about their baby.
He glanced at the screen and winced at the odd emotions prickling in his chest. Moisture stung his eyes.
