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Anger raced through me. “You told me it was my fault, Paxton! That you never wanted to see me again. What in the hell was I supposed to do?”
She slammed her glass on the granite counter. “Stay! You were supposed to stay goddamn it! Not leave me!”
I shook my head. “You told me to leave.”
Her lips pressed together. “I didn’t want you to leave, Steed. I was hurting and scared, and I’d just had to deal with taking myself to the hospital where I lost our baby. I had no one to talk to.”
A loud sob slipped from between her lips, and it hit me right in the gut.
She dropped her head and started crying. I moved around the island, but she held up her hand to stop me. Taking a few steps away, she looked up and I nearly fell to the ground.
Her face was soaked in tears.
“I lost her. T-then I-I lost you.”
“Paxton,” I whispered.
“Then I lost me, Steed. A part of me never came back until you walked into my classroom that night. That small…small…” She attempted to keep her sobs at bay but struggled speaking. “Th-that small part of m-me that died when you left. It came back to life and I think…that made me…hate you all over again.”
This was the reason I never came back. I was a fucking coward.
Paxton looked me in the eyes and asked, “Why didn’t you come back?”
I didn’t even bothering trying to keep my tears back. The only woman I ever loved was hurting and it was my fault. Again.
“Because of this. Seeing how much I keep hurting you. It kills…” I had to clear my throat to keep speaking. “It kills me knowing what I did to you and our child. When I left, I was…consumed with researching miscarriages. When you said I caused it to happen, I…knew it was the truth.”
Paxton stood there staring at me. Her arms wrapped around her body.
“I started drinking to try and drown out your cries.” My jaw ached from trying so hard to keep my emotions in check. “It never worked. They only got louder. Your voice repeated in my head that you hated me, and I knew if I came back, this would happen and you’d hate me all over again. I was a coward and I couldn’t handle seeing you…seeing you…”
My head dropped and I had to take in a few deep breaths.
“I almost quit school,” she said.
Jerking my head up, I asked, “What?”
Paxton leaned against the counter as she wiped her cheeks. Streaks of black smeared her beautiful face.
“When you never came back that summer, I knew you never were coming back. It hurt so much without you there. Everywhere I turned there was a memory of you. Of us. My life was nothing but heartache. I was in the middle of a storm, and I had no idea how to run from it. So I pretended everything was okay. I did what my parents expected me to do, and I went to A and M. But all I felt was pain. When I met Corina I put on a good front for the first couple of months until I saw an Oregon football game and your name was announced. You were the star player from Texas who walked on and made it at Oregon State. I found myself outside in the rain just standing there. The storm cloud had followed me, and I knew I would never be able to stop hurting. I stopped going to class. I partied, drank, and more than once I almost did something I knew I would regret the rest of my life.”
My breath stalled in my chest.
She smiled. “But they weren’t you, Steed. So I always walked away before anything happened. But the hurt kept growing, and I didn’t know how to deal with it. Corina made me tell her everything. She’s the only person I’ve ever told about the baby and what happened. Well, besides the counselor I started going to. I finally learned…”
Covering her mouth, she closed her eyes. I walked up and put my hands on her arms. Paxton dropped her hands. “I learned to grieve the loss of the baby and the only man I’ve ever loved.”
I closed my eyes and struggled to take in air. My lungs burned as each breath moved in and out painfully.
“I’m so sorry I wasn’t there.” Opening my eyes, I gazed into hers. The sadness told me Paxton was not done grieving. “Paxton, if I could go back.” I dragged in a shaky breath. “If I could change how stupid and selfish and…I don’t even know the words I’m looking for to describe what an asshole I was. But if I could go back to that day you told me you were pregnant, I would have never walked away. I fucked up twice, and there isn’t anything I can do to take it back.”
