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I looked up at the moon, wishing the answers would spell themselves out in the stars. That would sure be helpful. I obviously wasn’t competent enough to make life decisions for myself. I’d gotten married young and watched in horror as that imploded in my face. I spent three years building a business so encompassing I didn’t have time to date or even have a life. Then I met Jack and threw everything away—the heartache, all my big plans, and even gave up my home and business to go overseas with him. Yeah, I was not good at making decisions. But, it had all been worth it. Hadn’t it?
I sighed. The answer wasn’t immediate. Six months ago I would have given a confident shout it from the rooftops, yes. But now…?
Ironically, it turned out that not having an answer was in fact the answer.
“Holly?”
Jack’s voice carried easily down the beach. I turned and saw him and Princess running up the coast. He slowed his pace when he neared and trotted over. The moonlight highlighted the worry on his face. “What are you doing way out here?”
I glanced behind him, surprised by how far I’d gone. Judging distances wasn’t my strong suit but based on the size of the normal landmarks I looked for, I’d gone at least a mile or so up the beach. “I didn’t want to wake you,” I said as if that explained it somehow.
Jack stepped closer and took off his windbreaker. He wrapped it around my shoulders.
That’s when I lost it.
The tears came fast and hot, streaking down my cheeks faster than I could wipe them away.
“Holly, baby, what’s the matter?” Jack pulled me into his warm embrace and I sobbed, shaking in his arms. “Holly…please…tell me what’s wrong.”
I swallowed the lump in my throat and took deep breaths. “I don’t know what’s going on anymore. I don’t know what to do.”
“Baby, we don’t have to do anything right now. Come on, let’s go back inside.” He started to steer me back toward the house. “We’ll wake up tomorrow and get some breakfast and take a long walk.”
I stopped and dug my heels into the sand. “No,” I said, shaking my head. “We’ll talk and it’ll just go around and around in circles like tonight at dinner.”
He released me and paced a few steps back, putting space between us. “Then tell me what you want, baby. What do you want me to say or do to prove that I’m committed to this? To you? Do you want me to get down on one knee, right here in the sand, and propose all over again? I can rent a skywriter—hell, I could fly the damn thing—if that’s what it takes. You want a wedding date? All right, let’s go inside and look at the calendar. We’ll pick the perfect date right now.”
“What are we doing, Jack?” I stared out at the slow waves, watching as the moonlight bounced off the crest and then broke as it hit the sand. “How did we get here?”
I flicked a glance at him and he rubbed a hand over the back of his neck. “I don’t know.”
“I never wanted to turn into this stereotypical woman who nags and begs to get a ring. I don’t want to issue ultimatums or threats to get what I want.” I looked up at him. “To get you.”
“Holly, you already have me.”
I sighed. “No I don’t. Not completely. You’re still searching for something.”
Jack groaned. “Not this again. Holly, how many times do I have to tell you I don’t want someone else? I want you.”
I shook my head and my eyes drifted back to the ocean. “That’s not what I mean.”
“Then tell me what you do mean, ’cause I’m totally lost here.”
“You don’t know what you want out of life. Not anymore. The navy is on the back burner and you’re lost. You do realize that tonight you talked about staying in Holiday Cove and opening your own business, something you’ve never mentioned before and then two minutes later you want to run away together and travel the world as backpackers! I don’t know what you want but that’s because at the heart of it, you don’t know what you want. So how can I possibly plan a wedding when in the back of my mind I’ll constantly be worrying that you’re just going through the motions?”
“Holly…how could you think that?” I turned toward him and met his eyes. They were slick and glossy under the moonlight, and I realized with a sharp stab of pain in my heart he was on the verge of tears. He reached for me and grasped my hand. We were lost in the ocean and he was clinging to me like I was a life raft. Half of my heart wanted nothing more to do than to throw myself into his arms and forget our problems for a couple of hours. But it wouldn’t matter. Ignoring them wouldn’t make them go away. They would all come raging back to the surface as soon as the fog cleared. “I love you.”
