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Only it wasn’t. Not any more. It never really had been.
She was right to have pushed him away. What did he have to offer? Financial security? She had her own. No, what Polly needed was emotional security.
The one thing he couldn’t offer.
She deserved it. Deserved more than a coward who spent his life hiding from his own family so that he didn’t have to face up to the possibility of losing them. Of letting them down.
‘I don’t have much.’ He needed to pack, to get out and leave the memories behind. Start afresh.
She turned to him, one hand twisting her ponytail, the other playing with the frayed cotton on her shorts. ‘Gabe, I’m sorry,’ she said.
What? ‘No, I should apologise to you.’ He squeezed his eyes shut. ‘I was harsh. Unfair.’
‘You were right.’ She exhaled. ‘You just gave me some home truths. I didn’t want to hear them, to admit them. That doesn’t stop them being true.’ She huffed out a laugh. ‘There doesn’t seem to be a warning sign with us, does there? We just say whatever is in our heads and damn the consequences. I’ve never been so honest with anyone before.’
‘No, me neither.’
‘I’m not sure I like it.’ She moved away towards the kitchen. ‘Would you like a coffee?’
Gabe had intended to make a quick exit but he recognised the offer for what it was: a peace offering. ‘Do you have decaf?’
‘A month ago I would have laughed in your face but pregnancy does strange things to a woman. I have decaf and a whole selection of herbal teas, each more vile than the rest.’
‘I could make you a smoothie,’ he suggested and laughed, the tension broken by the horror in her eyes.
‘Spinach and beetroot and those horrid seeds? I’m pregnant, not crazy.’ She busied herself at the expensive coffee machine and Gabe leant on the counter, idly looking at the papers there. One letter caught his eye and he read a few lines before realising it was personal. He pushed it away just as she looked over.
Awkward, as if he had been caught purposely snooping, he gestured at the letter. ‘You have a hospital appointment?’
‘Yes. Clara’s agreed to accompany me.’
His duties were well and truly over. He was free, to concentrate on work, to train for the Alpine triathlon in the autumn. To live his life the way he wanted it with no interruptions.
It was all going back to normal.
Polly walked back over, a steaming cup of coffee in her hand. ‘Gabe.’ She put the coffee down next to him. ‘I really need to thank you. For everything.’
He shrugged. ‘I was here. Anyone would have done the same.’
‘Maybe, but you stepped up, more than once. You didn’t have to. Not just with the practical stuff.’
She pulled up a stool and sank onto it, pulling the letter from the hospital over towards her, folding it over and over. ‘I’ve been thinking a lot lately. About what I want from my life. I guess the pregnancy would have forced me to make some changes anyway but it’s not just that. You made me think. About the kind of person, the kind of parent I want to be. My work, Rafferty’s, is incredibly important, that won’t change. But it’s not enough. It shouldn’t be enough. I don’t want to turn into a female version of Grandfather, putting the business before family, before happiness.
‘I’m going to have a baby.’ Her eyes were shining. Gabe had seen Polly experience a whole range of emotions about the pregnancy: shock, grief, acceptance. But not joy like this. Not before today. ‘And I want that baby to have a family. I think, deep down, there’s a bit of me that’s always wanted your kind of family. Ironic, isn’t it? When you find them too much?’
‘Swap?’ he offered.
‘In a heartbeat.’ She folded the paper again. ‘I can’t conjure up parents and a partner for the baby, but I want him or her to grow up with love and laughter and security. Clara and Raff will help, if I let them. And I will. I need to start letting people in. So thank you. For helping me realise that.’
‘You’re welcome.’ The words almost stuck in his throat.
She smiled at him but there was sadness in her eyes. ‘I just hope you find what you’re looking for,’ she said.
Gabe wanted to make some flippant comment but she was right. They were always honest with each other, no matter what the consequences. ‘I’m not looking for much. Another year healthy? Another goal achieved?’ It didn’t sound like much but it was all he had.
‘I wish I could have helped you, the way you’ve helped me. It’s not that I don’t want to try, arrogant as that sounds, but I do. I like you, Gabe.’ The colour flared on her cheeks.
