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She yawned, totally for show, and used her good arm to sink down into the bed before she closed her eyes, shutting out the world, most especially me.
“Sorry friends and family, the patient needs to rest.” Cal flashed a sympathetic smile that ignited my anger. I stormed out of the room first and punched the wall in frustration.
“Did that help,” Suzie asked with an amused snort.
“No, dammit. It didn’t.” And it didn’t even hurt enough to ease my anger. I turned to Suzie and Aaron, a glare on my face. “Did you know she was leaving? Either of you?”
“No. Of course not.” Suzie bounced Berna in her arms. “I would have stopped this nonsense if I’d known.”
I believed her and turned to Granddaddy.
The old man shrugged, looking unapologetic as he stood taller and kissed the top of Gigi’s head. “I didn’t know until just this moment, but Zola’s life isn’t here. Her stay here was always going to be temporary so I can’t say I’m surprised. Sad, sure, but not surprised.” He sighed and shook his head, sadness fled as he looked at me, replaced by steel. “Things haven’t exactly been easy for her here, so why would she stay?”
He wasn’t wrong and each of his words cut through me like a knife, slashing through already open wounds with the accuracy of an expert butcher. Aaron was right, things hadn’t been easy for her, not from the moment she arrived in town and that was my fault. “Dammit.”
“If you wanna be mad at somebody, boy, be mad at yourself.”
“I know, dammit. I have to…go.” I needed to get out of this damn hospital. I needed fresh air so I hopped in my car and drove. And drove. My car ate up the road with no particular destination in mind, my mind raced with thoughts of Sarah. Thoughts of Zola.
Two women I shouldn’t have gotten involved with in the first place and they had both turned my life upside down, in different ways. Or maybe the problem was me. I was the common denominator. Me. No one else.
Before I knew where I was going, I found myself at the cemetery where Sarah was buried, and I laughed. “Why not?” My life was a mess, might as well go back to where the down spiral started. If Sarah hadn’t died in that stupid avalanche, I wouldn’t have needed a self-imposed ban on women and dating and relationships. If she hadn’t died, I never would have met Zola.
I still wasn’t sure if that was a good thing or not.
Sarah’s grave. I hadn’t been here in too long, still too angry to face her, I paid people to keep the gravestone clean and flush with fresh flowers each week. “Sarah. It’s been a long time.” Too long. “I’ve missed you as much as I’ve been pissed at you.” She was the first, the only woman I ever loved. But we were not compatible as adults. Our love didn’t belong outside Jackson Ridge High.
It was all so clear to me now. Those adventures she loved so much were her way of breaking free from a life she didn’t really want. Small town life, being a small town doctor, wasn’t what she wanted. She’d never said so, but the smile she wore around town and at work was half watt compared to the photos of her scaling mountains, jumping out of airplanes, bungee jumping, all of it was her escape. It wasn’t just Sarah. Deep down I knew she wasn’t happy, but I was so desperate to hang onto her that I ignored the warning bells clanging in my head, and I went along on all those adventures like a lost fucking puppy.
“I loved you, Sarah. I think I still love you, so much that it aches. But the truth is that I’m not sure we would have made it in the long run.” That truth was hard to hear, harder to swallow. “I was so scared the first time you went off skydiving by yourself. I was anxious and unfocused the whole time you were gone, which isn’t ideal for a heart surgeon.” It was why I ultimately agreed to go along with her. better to be with her than botch a surgery waiting to hear that she was all right. “I miss you like crazy, Sarah and I wish you were here, but it’s time, well past time, for me to move on with my life.” It was time for me to live my life the way I wanted, not in fear of love or loss, but however I wanted. “I promise to find a way to honor your memory how I can, but I can’t live for you, Sarah. Not anymore.”
All this time I’d been holding back, living scared, knowing that if I loved another woman the way I loved Sarah, I wouldn’t recover from the loss. But in doing that, I tucked myself away into a dark corner, so oblivious to what was happening that I screwed up with Zola.
