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“You’re wrong, Zola. You’re so damn wrong.”
“Funny,” I huffed. “You didn’t want me for anything but sex before I found out I was pregnant. You’ve gone through great effort to avoid the relationship trap and now, all of a sudden, you want the whole picture and you want it with me? Excuse me but that’s pretty hard to believe.”
He dropped down on the bed beside my suitcase, big blue eyes full of anguish as they watched me. “I know this is hard to believe, but it’s the truth.”
“Despite all evidence to the contrary?”
“Sarah was an adrenaline junkie. I called it an adventurer until about a year after her death, but that was sugarcoating the truth. Each time she went on some big adventure without me, I couldn’t focus because I was so damn worried and fearing the worst.”
I stared at him, breath held, as I waited to see where this conversation was going.
“Before you found out you were pregnant, Zola, you were pale and nauseous and sleeping all the time. It worried the hell out of me and I immediately thought the worst. Cancer. Auto-immune. Something awful and incurable.”
Tension fled my body at his words, his sheepish grin. “Cancer?”
He nodded. “And the relief that washed over me when you said you were pregnant, well it turned into something dark and ugly. I don’t know how else to explain it, but it wasn’t me. It’s not a reflection of how I feel, Zola, about you or the baby.”
“Or maybe you just don’t want to admit how you really feel, Drew. Maybe it offends your sensibilities that you don’t want me or your baby.”
“No.” He was adamant and I believed that he believed it, but I couldn’t let myself believe it. “That’s not it. I swear.”
“Ask yourself one question.”
“Zola,” he groaned.
“No. Just ask yourself if that’s really true or if you just want it to be true so badly, that you’re trying to convince yourself.”
He stood and started to pace, raking one hand and then the other through his thick hair, growling and mumbling to himself.
I gave Drew the time and the peace he needed to figure out what he actually wanted and went back to my suitcase. Drew had no idea what he wanted, which left me in the position of keeping my own feelings to myself because I couldn’t risk my heart on a man who vowed never to love another woman ever again. “Zola,” he began and stopped just as quickly.
“Take your time, Drew.” It was painful, watching him struggle to figure out if I was what he wanted. Watching the war within him as he tried to cope with the disloyalty he felt for maybe, possibly, having feelings for a woman other than his wife. It was heartbreaking, for me anyway.
Drew kept up a steady pace for another five minutes, his expression more serious by the second. Eventually he stopped, hands on his hips, and faced me with a semi-angry look on his face. “Zola.”
I looked up with what I hoped was a neutral expression. “Drew.”
His lips tugged into a shy, almost playful grin. “I’m trying really hard not to screw this up.”
“I can see that.” I understood, at least theoretically, his dilemma. “Drew I don’t need you to sugarcoat your rejection. I’m a big girl.”
He frowned. “I’m screwing this up worse than I thought if that’s what you think.”
“It’s what I know, Drew. Otherwise why would you, a man who has no problem speaking his mind, have such a problem saying what’s in your heart?”
“Because, Zola. This isn’t easy for me.” He shook his head and sent one hand through his hair again.
“Hard things are rarely easy.” It was what I told myself throughout college and medical school and even my residency. “I’ll be back in a week or so, when you have the words, let me know.”
“Hey Zola, good to see you.” Dr. Montclair greeted me with a wide good and a paternal hug that made my eyes sting a little bit. “So, you’re back.”
“For now but the rest depends on you.” I’d spent the first two days in town dealing with what was left of my belongings moved from my old apartment that had fallen victim to a burst pipe in the upstairs unit. Thankfully the valuable items like electronics were in storage already.
“You want to leave your fellowship that badly?”
I nodded and swallowed the lump in my throat as I prepared to disappoint my mentor. “I won’t be able to operate for at least a month or two, but the rest depends on how I heal.” I lifted my arm to show off the red cast for emphasis. “But there’s also the matter of impending motherhood.”
His eyes went wide with shock and then joy. “Zola, that’s wonderful news. Congratulations.” Then a frown appeared. “The father must live in Oregon.”
