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I also knew Mum was too scared to interfere right now. By the time anyone did anything, it would be too damn late for Tamara.
I tried to remind myself this was not the same as the situation with Julia. Tamara was coming into my space of her own free will—and she seemed to have a plan.
“Yes,” I said. I let her step through the doorway to my room ahead of me, and then I closed the door behind us. “She has to be thinking about that right now.”
Tamara was shaking a little as I turned to face her, but she continued. “What I need to know is, how were you suddenly so certain that—that he was… What did you find out?”
This was the only chance I
would get to protect her and Para. I looked her directly in the eyes, trying not to feel the way they widened like a kick in the nuts. If only I could just be a regular asshole, who could hold her and touch her and be alone with her the way I wanted.
“I realised I know who your sister is. I’ve known her for years, I play a game with her online. So I know…” I could already see from her face that this would be exactly as bad as I’d expected. “She told me some things, once. So I know what that fucker is really like.”
Her face suddenly flushed pink. “You know Jess? Did you—Is she—”
When I realised what she was asking, I wanted to turn away and throw up. “No, I didn’t—She’s a fucking kid, Tamara. I’ve never been in the same room as her, I never touched her. I didn’t even know her fucking real name until this moment.” In the real world, Para was a kid called Jess, who might even look a bit like a girl I really fucking liked, but couldn’t have without fucking her up. I could hardly believe it.
“Okay,” Tamara said. Her voice was gentle. It made me hot hearing her talk like that, like a different sort of animal to usual. It was like the sweat in my pits was going to boil right off my body. “What did she tell you?”
I shook my head. I was clear on this, at least. “She told me what she told me in confidence. If she wants you to know the details, she’ll tell you.”
Tamara nodded. She started looking around my room, acting like she was just a bit curious, no big deal… but I could tell she was just afraid to ask all she needed to. So I tried not to focus on how fucking embarrassing it was to have a girl in my room when my bed was an absolute nest and I had dirty clothes chucked everywhere. Wasn’t like she was going to remember much about me when all of this sank in.
“What I think I can tell you? What I should tell you?” I had to think about that a bit myself. “The really fucked-up shit isn’t happening on a regular basis. Like it happened, and I think he knows he needs to knock it off, that he’ll get in trouble… but I don’t think he will forever. I think at the moment he’s trying to break her down, convince her she’s got no choice but to stick with him for the long haul. If she’s an adult it’s fucked-up but she’s consenting, right?”
She just wilted, collapsing onto my mess of a bed and barely even making it. “I tried to get her to expose him, to come with me. She didn’t think I’d be able to protect her… and the thing is, I feel like she might be right.”
“You actually met her already.” Even after my last conversation with Para, it hadn’t really come together for me as a possibility yet.
“He brought her out with him. I think he knew she would get my guard down.”
I wanted to ask her so many questions about Para—I didn’t even know what she fucking looked like—but it had to wait.
“I always promised her I wouldn’t try to butt into her life—like I didn’t know where she lived anyway, but she said she had it under control and I just had to trust her. Now…”
“Please…” Tamara made a very cute frustrated noise. “I don’t even know what I’m asking for. I…”
“You know I’m capable of doing very bad things,” I said, “and you’re hoping I’ll have one more in me right now.”
“I know what you’re capable of,” Tamara agreed. “But…” She looked away, just for a second, then brought her eyes firmly back to mine. “I’m just wondering if maybe what I missed is how far you need to be pushed.”
This was it. I’d blown her off once before, but she was giving me another chance to account for myself.
I was fucking terrified, but I also knew how much courage it had taken her to do this. It deserved a show of balls in return.
One thing I knew: I wasn’t going to be able to do it standing up. I moved over to my bed and made the best effort of straightening part of it out I could before gesturing her to sit a little closer to me. Now she’d recovered from her initial shock she was perched dainty on the edge, back straight. I loved that little queen attitude about her. I loved the thought of everything I could do to her to leave that attitude in tatters.
If anyone else tried to fuck with her like that, I’d destroy them. If fucking Brad Chalmers had done anything to her that had made her realise what he was about, I’d…
I couldn’t think about that either right now. What happened immediately following had to be on Tamara’s terms: I had to give her what she needed so I could help her. And even if I was the wrong damn asshole to be doing this, I was going to do it.
I couldn’t help saying a bit of what was on my mind, though. “Brave little girl, stepping into the monster’s den…” When I put my hand over hers, I felt her fingers quiver. “Just walks right in like she’s going to ask for a cup of tea.”
“Your mother did offer me a drink,” Tamara said. “I don’t think I can choke anything down until I feel like I know what I’m going to do.”
Come to think of it, even though I was parched after my run I didn’t know if I could get anything down my throat right now. “Well… I’m the one who can do something about this, right?”
I picked up her hand entirely and pulled it into my lap. She stared wide-eyed, but didn’t pull away. “Okay. Listen.”
