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“I’m guessing, by her reaction, she had no idea about Brittany?”
My heart always drops when I hear her name. We don’t have a marriage other than in name only, and that’s all it’s ever been. I want what the whole institution of marriage entails, and I want it all with Dahlia. I’m a sorry ass.
“I didn’t tell her because I figured she wouldn’t want to know me. She’s not had an easy life and I want to be there for her. Our first date was supposed to be tonight. I can’t see that happening now. I’d planned on telling her everything after we’d eaten.”
Unable to hold her gaze anymore when all I see is sadness and sympathy, I pull out a chair and wait for her to slide into it.
“Do you want a coffee or anything?” I offer.
“No, son. Come and talk to me, but first let me apologize for what I said out there . . . I was caught off guard and didn’t think. I’m really sorry. Once your girl has calmed down, you need to go and talk to her and tell her that you don’t have a marriage. If she knows everything, then she might forgi
ve you and stay. I don’t condone adultery, but I’m not sure adultery applies with you. I need to think before I speak sometimes.”
I drop into my seat in shock. My mom knows everything about my past, and for years, when she’s caught my eye wandering, she’s always had a lot to say about staying true to Brittany. So yeah, hearing those words leave her mouth has surprised the hell out of me.
“Ryder, stop looking at me like that.” She shakes her head and gives me the same look she would give me as a kid when I was being stubborn. “I know I haven’t always had such an open mind. The fact is, now time is getting on and there’s still no sign of Brittany improving any; I don’t like you being alone. You need a good woman to come home to at night. You’re lonely.”
“Crap.” I tip my head back and stare at the ceiling, hoping for some wisdom or direction because I’ve never felt so lost before. I’ve known drowning . . . I definitely know that feeling because of everything I’ve been through, but I always had some idea of where the shore was. Watching Dahlia walk away from me, I felt lost, not only pulled under but pulled away from that shore. I had no idea if I would ever find my feet again. I take in a deep breath; my next words aren’t going to go down well, despite the reassuring words my mom just gave me. She may have given me the go ahead for a relationship, more or less, but she won’t be happy with what I have to say.
Inhaling again, I count to five before exhaling. “I need to initiate a . . . divorce.”
“What? I mean . . . what?”
“Mom, it’s been six years.” I lean forward and rest my elbows on the table with my head buried in my hands. “I want my life back. It’s not as though I’d be abandoning her. I mean, I only visit her on her birthday, and that isn’t by choice. I just can’t do this anymore. I’m so fuckin’ tired.”
“You don’t have to be divorced to be in a relationship with another woman. You’re separated.”
“Dahlia’s mom was the other woman in a relationship. No matter how you phrase it, Dahlia would still be the other woman if she’s with me.”
“Divorce isn’t right.” She sniffs.
Oh God. Please don’t start crying.
“Perhaps if you get on the good side of Brittany’s family for a change, you could, maybe, take over her care, and then you’d be spending a lot more time with her.” She dabs at her tears.
“Mom, she’s better off with her family, where she’s loved. There isn’t any way I’d want to make a go of it with her. I was prepared to try back then before . . . before I knew the truth and believed her lies. But my eyes are wide open now. Plus, I don’t love her and I never have.”
“But you’re in love with Dahlia?”
I pause and tug the short strands of my hair.
“Yeah, I am.” I don’t even have to think about that answer.
“What a mess.” She shakes her head. “I’m going to go and talk to your father and see if there’s something we can do to help. But please don’t do anything rash.”
I drop my head to the table, and hear my mom move around to my side before I feel her rubbing my back. “I’m sorry, Ryder. If I hadn’t opened my mouth, Dahlia would still be here and more open to hearing you out. I’m so mixed up about what you should do. You’re my son and it hurts seeing you like this. And because of that, I think you should try and talk to your girl. Make her listen to you.” She kisses the back of my head. “I love you, son.”
I don’t look up but I hear her footsteps as she walks through the bar. The creak and then slam of the door closing behind her alerts me to the fact that I’m alone and the tears begin to sting my eyes. I swipe at them as they turn to anger.
Shooting to my feet, I up end the table and chair. With my fists clenching at my sides, I try to control the anger coursing through my blood at the hopeless situation I’m in. Roaring in anger, I pick one of the chairs up and throw it across the room. The one beside me gets kicked toward the bar. My breath sticks in my throat and I have a hard time drawing in another as my throat tightens with my anger. I feel as though I’m finally losing control of everything around me.
Bending to grab another chair, I notice someone has slipped into the bar to witness my melt down. Glancing up, I meet the worried frown on Liam’s face.
“Is it safe to step further into the bar you’re trying to destroy?”
“Fuck!”
I drop my ass to the floor and turn my head to look at him. “Is she at your place?”
