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By Sunday, I insisted Emily come out with me. I just wanted to get her away from the house. She was just going to sit there any worry when there was nothing she could do.
“Where are we going?” she asked, a twinge of annoyance in her voice, finally giving in.
“I don’t know, Em. I just wanted to get you out of the house for a while. What do you want to do?” I asked, sliding the gear stick into drive.
Emily shrugged. Her mind was still on Andy, and no amount of distracting was going to change that.
“He’ll be fine.”
She nodded, not looking convinced. She bit her lip, gazing out the window. I didn’t want Emily to know, but I was worried too. What if something happened to him while we were out? I glanced over at her. Marta was looking after him, but what if he died and we weren’t there for him? God, if something happened when I’d all but forced her out of the house . . .
“How about we get some lunch and take it back to the house? We can spend the day lazing on the beach.” My hands gripped the steering wheel as I glanced at her. I could try and keep her mind off things while still staying close to home.
“I like that idea,” she said, her face softening. “And maybe he’ll feel up to joining us later?”
I nodded, swallowing the lump in my throat.
I hope he won’t be well enough to join us.
Because spending the whole day with Em was both terrifying and exciting. My jaw clenched as I realized what I was thinking. I didn’t deserve a friend like him. Who thinks that way about someone they’re supposed to care about, especially when they’re dying?
I cringed as I remembered our conversation from the other day. He knew. He knew how I felt about her. And more than that, he didn’t hate me for it. It was almost like he understood. But I still couldn’t figure out why he’d brought it up. What was the point in confronting me about it? Was he worried I would try something? I felt a pang of anger that he’d think I was capable of that. I’d never risk losing her friendship, no matter how in love with her I was.
You need to let her go. Loving her is going to rip you apart.
I wanted to laugh. Because how could the way I felt possibly be a negative thing? It just wasn’t right. I loved her so fucking much, and I couldn’t do a damn thing about it. She wo
uld never know that someone out there loved her just as much as Andy did.
“Seth?”
I felt the color rise to my cheeks. Breaking out of my own head, I focused on Em. She was looking at me, waiting for me to say something.
“I’m sorry, what?”
“I asked if you think we’re doing the right thing, keeping this from Deb and Karl? I mean, how will we know when to call them? I can’t imagine if . . .” She broke off.
I swallowed hard. I’d been thinking that too. What if they never got the chance to say goodbye? “I don’t know, Em.” And I didn’t. I had no fucking idea about any of this shit. I was sick of everything. I was sick of second guessing my every action, wondering if I was doing the right thing. I hated feeling helpless.
***
We grabbed some sandwiches from the deli in town and some supplies from the grocer’s, and headed back to the house. It was just after noon and the sun was out, making it the perfect day to be spending outside.
I carried the bags into the kitchen while Emily went to check on Andy. She came back a few minutes later looking flustered.
“Is he okay?” I asked, my head immediately going to the worst-case scenario: I’d forced her out of the house and now he was dead.
“Yeah, h-he’s fine. He was awake.” She hesitated. “It’s just . . . he snapped at me, told me he wanted some time alone. He’s never wanted that before,” she said softly.
I put my arm across her body and pulled her against me, my arms curling around her waist. I closed my eyes, my nose buried in her hair, my head engulfed by the sweet smell of her shampoo.
“Don’t take it personally, Em. He’s allowed to have bad days. If it were me, every day would be bad. Give him some space, and he’ll come around.” Only he was running out of time.
Anxiety began to consume me. Was it a coincidence that he was acting like this after finding out how I felt? Was he punishing her for my feelings?
Andy, what the fuck are you doing?
He thought that by pushing her away, he could spare her the pain. Only it was too late for that. What he was doing was only going to make things worse.
