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“You take these out,” I said, handing her our lunch. “I’m just going to use the bathroom and I’ll bring out some drinks, okay?”
I waited until she’d left and then headed to Andy’s room. He looked up when I entered without knocking.
“What’s up?” He lay on the bed in his green flannel pajamas with the covers over the top of him. His eyes were heavy and dark, making his pasty, white skin look even paler.
Fuck, he looks bad. I swallowed, forcing myself to focus on why I’d gone in there. “Emily,” I replied, crossing my arms. “I know what you’re doing. And all you’re going to end up doing is hurting her more.”
Andy laughed. “Right. I forgot you’re the expert when it comes to my girlfriend.”
What the hell did he mean by that? Was that was this was about?
“I don’t care if you’re dying, man. You don’t get to punish her. She needs you. She needs this time with you. Don’t push her away.”
“I’m not, for fuck’s sake.” He shook his head and closed his eyes. “Did she tell you I shat myself this morning? Or that she had to clean me up because Marta was out getting my medications? Or how my catheter leaked so the whole fucking bed stank of urine? I don’t want those to be the memories she’s left with.” Andy sighed, his face creasing in pain as he struggled to sit up.
I didn’t know what to say. I was so caught up in protecting Em from feeling unwanted that my best friend going through his own private hell had somehow become an afterthought.
“I didn’t know that,” I said quietly. I sat down in the worn, leather armchair, struggling to think of what to say. There was no winner in this conversation: he was dying, she was watching him die, and I was watching her watch him die. We were all suffering. How do you move past that?
“Look, if I feel up to it I’ll get up later, okay?” he muttered. “But right now, I can’t be around anyone. But you need to be there for her, because she needs someone.”
I nodded. “Andy?” He waited for me to continue. “I’m sorry. I know this is hard for you. And I’m sorry for how I feel. I just . . . you have to know I’ve never acted on it, because you’re like a brother to me.”
“It’s okay, man. I’m not angry.” He sighed and shrugged his shoulders, a bitter laugh escaping his mouth. “I love you for being there for her. She’s going to need you when I’m gone.” He paused, his expression serious. “You know, I’m okay with dying. I’ve come to terms with that. It’s the thought of leaving her that I can’t stand.”
I nodded, because I got it. I really did.
Chapter Thirteen
Emily
“What do you think happens when we die?” I turned to Seth, my eyes searching his. I didn’t want the truth; I wanted comfort. I wanted him to tell me everything was going to be okay.
It was Monday afternoon, and we lay on the deck, staring out at the sea. The gray, overcast sky looked threatening as the waves crashed over the rocks, sending a foamy mess racing along the sandy bank. It was such a beautiful place, but at the same time the formation of the rocks and the way the water collided against them with angry fury was scary. Unpredictable. Kind of like how I was feeling.
Seth breathed out, his face creased, his blue eyes clouding over as he thought about my question. I studied him for a moment. There were so many little details about him that I’d never noticed, like the way his jaw twitched when he was deep in thought, or the way the left side of his mouth rose higher than the right when he smiled. And had that dimple always been there? Because I hadn’t noticed how cute it made him look when he laughed. I looked back out at the water.
“I don’t know, Em. I think there is something else after all this. I think that we come back and get to start over, and spend our lives looking for that one special person again.”
“You think there is only one person for each of us?” I asked softly. The thought made me sad. If that were true, then I’d never know love again. I’d never experience that rush of excitement of new love.
Anger bubbled inside of me. Who cared whether or not it was true? I didn’t want anyone else. I wanted Andy.
Seth shrugged. “I don’t know. But I think we know when something is right. And that’s what we look for. The feeling that nobody else in the world can compare. That without this person, your life is worthless, it has no point. I think you can have that more than once in a lifetime.”
I nodded numbly. I didn’t believe in anything. I’d lost too many people I loved for me to believe that everything happens for a reason. I snuggled closer into Seth’s shoulder as I thought about life and living, dying and death. Maybe I was destined to be alone. Losing the people I loved was too painful. Maybe it was easier to shut myself off than to risk going through this all again.
My fingers traced the cover of my notebook, the leather soft and luxurious against my touch. I glanced down and stared at the three words embroidered onto the front. Hope. Love. Happiness. I’d thought it was a sign when I saw it in the window of the gift shop. Who knows? Maybe it had been.
Seth glanced at me. “What do you write in that?” he asked. “I never see you without it these days.”
I handed it to him. His eyes widened as he took it, staring at it for a moment before flipping it open.
“It was Andy’s idea,” I explained. “That I write down one happy memory each day, so that when . . . after . . . I’ll have all these amazing memories to look back on.” I peered over his shoulder to see which one he was reading: the night I passed my final exams. I smiled at the thought.
He chuckled. “I’d forgotten about that night. I think that was the only time I really ever saw you drunk. As in, so drunk you could barely function.”
“That’s because you and Andy kept refilling my glass. I thought I was on my first wine, when in reality I’d had about ten,” I exclaimed. “My memory of that
