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I didn’t answer. He didn’t want me to give up, but I wasn’t sure if I could make that promise to him. I sighed and closed my eyes, pretending we were back home.
“You’ll never be alone, Em. Seth will always be there for you.”
“I know. But it’s not the same.”
“Why not?”
“Because I don’t love him like I love you.”
“He loves you.” He spoke softly, his words so gentle they almost floated past me unheard. Almost.
“I love him too—”
“No,” he muttered, “He really loves you. He’s been loving you for eleven years. Every day, just like I have . . .” He had drifted off again. Placing my hand on his chest, I watched it rise and fall. What was he talking about? Seth wasn’t in love with me. I would’ve picked up on that.
He’s just confused. There was no way that could be true.
“Come on Andy, stop messing with me.” I pressed my lips together, studying his face for a reaction.
And then I saw it: the way his eyes wouldn’t meet mine. It was only for a brief moment, but it was long enough for me to realize it wasn’t a lie. I laughed and shook my head. This couldn’t be happening. I turned and ran out onto the deck, bolting down the stairs and out toward the beach.
“Em, wait!” Andy’s voice carried through the house.
I ignored him and kept running, because I couldn’t handle this right now. My boyfriend was dying, and his best friend—my best friend—was in love with me? This wasn’t fair.
I was so angry with both of them, and I was angry with myself. Because deep down, no matter how much I wanted to ignore it, there was a part of me that was in love with him too.
Chapter Eighteen
Emily
He’s in love with me.
I felt so deceived. Like our whole friendship was based on one big lie. How could he have not told me that he was in love with me? And for such a long time?
I slowly began to piece together the last fourteen years. Every little action, every word spoken, had it meant something more than I thought it had? I pulled out my notebook. Wiping away tears, I opened it and began to read, desperate for any kind of positivity right now.
Homecoming dance, August, 2005
We hadn’t intended on going to the dance, because dancing sucked. Instead, we had an exciting night planned full of horror movies, popcorn, and Seth’s big-screen TV—until Seth’s mother insisted he take Cheryl Barmosh, the daughter of one of her friends, who had been dumped by her boyfriend the night before.
So suddenly I had a date with Andy, and nothing to wear. I sat down on my bed, almost in tears. The worst part was I had nobody to talk about this stuff with. Four years ago I wished my mom would stay out of my life. Now, I’d have done anything to have her back.
I think part of the reason I avoided things like dating, dances, and other girly things was because it hurt too much not having her around to share those milestones with.
“Are you okay, sweetie?”
I looked up and saw Deb smiling at me.
?
??Yeah, I’m just . . .” I broke off as the tears began to fall. She rushed over, her arms wrapping around me. “I have to go to this stupid dance and I have nothing to wear.”
“Oh, Em. It’s okay. We’ll find you something.” She stood up, holding out her hand. “Lets go shopping.” I smiled and took her hand.
I’d been living with the Graysons since my parents had died. I had no other family, and had it not been for them I would’ve ended up in foster care. I owed them everything. Deb tried her best to be there for me, but she could never replace my mother, or mend the guilt I still felt over my parents’ death.
I stood in front of my mirror, bittersweet emotions racing through me. I couldn’t believe the girl staring back at me was actually me. The deep-green chiffon dress highlighted my curves, accentuating my figure. My hair was curled and pinned to the side.
