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I’d tried moving on. Watching her and Andy together for all those years was something had almost broken me. I’d been with other girls. I just always ended up back at Em.
Andy’s words rolled over in my head. She was in love with me? I snorted. Yeah, right. As if I hadn’t wished for that every fucking day for the last fourteen years.
Shoving my
hands into my pockets, I walked over the bridge and down toward the edge of the water. I sat down on the wet sand, pulling my knees up in front of me and resting my elbows on my knees.
The beach was deserted, no doubt due to a combination of the bad weather and the fact that it was almost dinnertime. Taking my jacket off, I balled it up and placed it behind my head as I lay back and stared up at the sky. I had no desire to go back there anytime soon. Facing Em was something I didn’t even want to think about.
She couldn’t have feelings for me. No matter how hard I tried to forget his words, I couldn’t. They were stuck there in the back of my mind, clouding over my every thought. How did shit get so messed up? I thought back to when we were all just kids: no cares, no worries. Things had been so much easier.
I closed my eyes; I just wanted to forget everything. Just for a moment. I wanted to be a normal guy who wasn’t in love with a woman he could never have, and whose best friend wasn’t dying. I shook my head. What was I going to do without him? He had been the center of my life for so long. How was I going to go on without him? I’d spent all my time worrying about how Em was going to cope, but what about me? If I had to be strong for Em, who was going to help me through this? Was our friendship strong enough to survive Andy’s death?
Not that it mattered anymore: she hated me. Every time she saw me she would be wondering what my intentions were. We could never go back to the way things were before.
***
I was freezing. I opened my eyes and breathed in sharply, inhaling a mouthful of sand. I coughed and sat up, confused as to why I was passed out on the beach. I looked around me, the only light coming from a nearby dimly-lit streetlight. I struggled to my feet and grabbed my jacket.
Shaking the sand from it, I zipped it up, trying to get some warmth into my body. I walked over to my car and climbed in. The clock shone brightly in the darkness. It was after midnight. I still wasn’t ready to go home. I pulled out my phone. A text from Deb sat waiting to be read. Shit. I’d completely forgotten about our earlier conversation.
We are on our way. Please let me know if anything changes. Deb xx
Shoving my phone back in my pocket, I rested my head against the window and closed my eyes. I just wanted to sleep. And maybe when I woke up, things wouldn’t be so bad.
Chapter Twenty
Andy
She hadn’t left my side all evening. She hadn’t spoken either, but in her defense I had been out of it until now. Who knows? Maybe she had been speaking and I just didn’t notice?
Pain shot through my body as I repositioned myself to face her. Her head snapped around, her pretty green eyes widening as they locked on mine.
“You’re awake,” she whispered. Rising from the chair, she sat on the edge of my bed and grasped my hand. Fuck, she was so warm.
“Hey,” I mumbled, yawning. Even after sleeping all day, I was still so, so tired.
“How are you feeling?” she asked. She bit her lip. She did that when she was nervous or stressed. She’d been doing a lot of that lately.
“I’m okay,” I said with a little smile. The pain was bad—bad enough that I tried not to breathe in too deeply, or move suddenly—but in a weird way, I liked it. At least I was feeling something. Pain meant I was still alive. The moment that stopped, I would stop. They thought avoiding the IV pain meds was about me trying to be brave, but it was just the opposite. I was terrified to let go.
“Really?” she asked, raising her eyebrows.
I chuckled. There was no fooling her. “Em . . .” I hesitated. “I’m sorry about before. I just so badly want to know you’re going to be okay.”
Seth was right: I couldn’t force two people to be together, no matter how much I wanted it. Most people would probably think it was weird, me trying to hook up my girlfriend and my best friend, but with the exception of me, I couldn’t think of anyone who would love her and care for her the way she deserved to be cared for—except him.
Every day I hated myself for leaving her, but if I had to, then I had to make sure she was going to be okay. I couldn’t argue that Seth loved her as much as I did. If I wasn’t dying, I’d probably kick his ass.
“Don’t worry about me,” she mumbled, frowning at me. “You’ve been so focused with pushing me onto Seth that you’re not giving me what I so badly need—time with you.”
She was right: I was a monster. All I’d done was make things worse for everyone. She climbed into the bed, slipping her head under my arm. I closed my eyes and kissed her forehead, trying to memorize every tiny detail about her. No matter how much my head wanted me to, I couldn’t give this up. Still, I needed her to know it was okay for her to move on after I died.
“Em,” I began. She looked up at me, her big, green eyes brimming with sadness. I almost lost my nerve. “I want to ask you something.”
“Anything,” she said.
“We haven’t been a proper couple for a long time now. I can’t remember the last time I was able to show you how much I love you . . .”
