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“Andy,” I yell. He doesn’t answer. My heart begins to pound. Why won’t he look at me? I call out to him over and over, and every time it goes ignored. Eventually I reach him.
“Why didn’t you help me?” I ask. I grip hold of his arm and turn him around, but I can’t. Every pull brings the same angle. Why can’t I see his face?
I sat up, breathing heavily. Andy lay beside me looking tired and worn. His eyes were closed like he was asleep, but I couldn’t help watching his chest for that comforting rise and fall. After what felt like hours, his chest rose up quickly and then deflated.
Something wasn’t right. I reached for his hand and squeezed it gently. He didn’t move. My heart began to pound as I pushed back the covers and got to my feet. I grabbed my robe and slipped it on, rushing out of the room.
“Seth,” I called frantically, knocking on his door. No answer. Grabbing hold of the handle, I turned it and pushed it open. His room was empty, his bed still made and undisturbed. Where was he? Hadn’t he come home last night?
“Marta!” I called out, making my way further down the hall. Her bedroom door creaked open and she peered out. One look at my face and she knew something was wrong.
“What is it?” she asked, following me back down to his room.
“I can’t rouse him,” I said, panicked. My heart thumped in my chest. Please don’t let him die. Not yet. I stood back as Marta tried to wake him. My hand covered my mouth as I willed myself not to cry.
“He’s breathing,” Marta sighed with relief. “I’ll call the doctor. Can you sit with him?”
I nodded. I walked around and sat on the side of the bed, taking his hand in mine and covering it with my other hand. He was still so damn cold.
I could hear Marta talking in the hallway. I strained to listen, taking in words like end and morphine. My stomach turned as anxiety began to cripple me. I couldn’t stop this. No matter how badly I wanted to freeze time, it kept on moving.
***
Rise and fall. Rise and fall.
My eyes didn’t leave his chest as I watched him breathe short, shallow breaths. The doctor had been by and put a drip in to keep him hydrated, and prescribed injections for the pain. He needed such a high dosage that it all but wiped him out. I just sat there watching him sleep, knowing that it wasn’t going to be long now.
The last words he had spoken to me had been him trying to convince me to move on—with his best friend, no less. I pulled out my notebook and began to read; anything to distract me from the reality that was happening before me.
New Year’s Eve, 2009
“You’re telling me that after six hours of fishing, that’s all you have?” I stared at the tiny bass, which was bordering on undersized, and laughed.
“In my defense, I did catch a bigger one—only a bird stole it,” Seth shot back.
“A bird stole it?” I repeated with a snigger. “That’s the best you can come up with?”
“Hey.” Andy laughed. I screamed as he stepped forward and hugged me, holding me hostage in his big fishy arms. “You wanna keep making fun of our hunting abilities?” he teased, tickling me as I giggled.
“Let me go,” I gasped, tears streaming down my face. “Now I stink as much as you two do.”
“Come on, Emsky,” Andy growled, kissing my neck. I laughed, struggling to break free from his embrace. “You know you love the way I smell.”
I finally broke free and ran into the kitchen, both guys hot on my heels. “So, what’s for dinner then? Because that—” I pointed to the lonely little fish, “—just isn’t going to do it.”
Seth laughed and slapped the fish down on the counter. “Pizza?” He smirked.
I rolled my eyes. “Well, we’d better order, because it will take them ages to deliver. If they even will out here.”
It had been Seth’s idea to spend New Year’s Eve out by the lake. He knew how much I hated holidays. Holidays reminded me of what I’d lost, and how much I still had to lose . . .
My grip on my pen loosened, sending it falling to the floor. Seth featured in my happy memories just as much as Andy did. Why hadn’t I noticed that before? I flipped through the pages, memory after memory staring back at me. Seth’s role in nearly all of them was pivotal to my happiness. The notebook fell into my lap as I ran my fingers through my hair.
All Seth had ever wanted was my happiness.
He’d watched Andy and me through nine years of love and romance because he could see how happy I was—even if it meant compromising his own emotions. How lucky was I to have two people who would do anything in the world for me?
My stomach churned as I remembered my behavior on the beach earlier in the day. I’d made him feel like shit for not telling me that he was in love with me. What the fuck was that? I knew better than anyone that you couldn’t turn off your feelings.
