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Nurses push past me, startling me back to reality. I reach for the wall for support as I lose my footing and it spurs me into action. I walk into his room, my heart beating furiously. He’s lost more weight. I walk over to his bed and sit down, the seat still warm under me.
“Hey,” I say, my voice cracking. “It’s me.”
Layering my hand in his, I’m startled by how cold he is. One of the things I miss most is his warm embrace. Skin to skin, there was never anything more calming than being wrapped in his warmth.
Gently I rub his hand in mine, trying to bring back some of that warmth. Or maybe I’m trying to capture some of the past before it leaves me forever.
I sit there for what feels like hours. There’s so much I want to say, but I can’t get it out. Ellie appears at the door, Tilly standing behind her. I smile and open my arms. With a little encouragement from Ellie, Tilly runs over and hugs me. Her body heaves as she sobs. I hate what this place does to her, but I know I have to help her push through this.
“Shh, it’s okay, princess. I’m here for you, okay?”
Her response is muffled and incoherent. I let her cry in my arms, not wanting to force her any more than I have to.
“Daddy’s going to go away soon, Tilly. He needs you to be a strong little girl and let him go. Can you do that?” I whisper in her ear as I gently stroke her hair.
She looks up, her tear-stained eyes meeting mine. All I can see in her face is fear and pain. If I thought I couldn’t possibly feel any worse, I was wrong. Seeing our daughter have to go through this is pure hell.
Eventually, the tears slow and her glances toward Aiden become more frequent. I gently guide his hand toward the edge of the bed. Placing Tilly’s hand in mine, I place mine on top and back onto Aiden’s. She stares at me, wide-eyed.
“What if I hurt him?” she whispers.
“You won’t, honey. He’s still there. He loves you.”
She hesitantly looks up at him, her face stricken. This must be so hard for her. She takes a deep breath, her body shaking as she looks at me for encouragement. I nod, strengthening my hold around her waist.
“If I talk to him, he can hear me?” she asks.
“He can hear you baby,” I encourage. “Anything you want to say, you say it, okay?”
“I love you,” she says, turning back to face him. “And I don’t want you to go away and leave Mommy. I see Mommy cry and it makes me sad. I wish things could be normal and you could hug me and play with me and stop Mommy’s tears.”
My chest heaves as I take in her words. Any hope I had of holding back on my own tears has evaporated. Even now, she’s just thinking of me. I should be looking out for her, not the other way round. I’m a bad mother. All those times I cried thinking nobody was around, she was there, watching. She knew. Guilt rips through me, because my tears weren’t always about Aiden.
Sometimes they were about Max.
Tilly stays with me for another hour before Ellie offers to drive her back to her place. I agree, knowing that she’s had enough but not wanting to be away from the most important person in my life. What if she needs me and I’m not there?
You need to be here for Aiden.
Just after they’ve gone, Heather and Jim return. Any nerves or anger I have from being in the same room with her have taken a backseat. None of that is important right now. They sit on the other side of the bed. She offers me a smile, and I force one back.
“You just missed Tilly,” I murmur, my voice croaky. I cough and rub the back of my neck.
“She was in here?” Heather sounds surprised.
I nod.
“I’m glad she got the chance to say goodbye.”
“Me too. I’d never rob her of that, Heather. I’ve always just wanted what was best for her.”
“I know you have,” Heather responds softly.
An awkward silence fills the room. I focus on Aiden, my hand still firmly placed in his. His hands feel colder, and I wonder if they are or if I’m just finding things to place my attention on.
I want to talk to him, but it feels weird with Heather there, so instead I just sit there. His respirator sounds monotonously as I think about all of the time we had together—the good times, before the accident. He was such a big part of my life for so long that everything about me was in a way defined by him.
The loud sound of an alarm going off drags me out of my daydream. Doctors stream into the room, and it's about then that I realize it's Aiden. Jumping out of my seat, I move back against the wall, letting the staff do what they need to do. Heather and Jim do the same as doctors pool around his bed.
