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“How many of them have you stalked?” I smirk. His expression freezes. Setting down the papers he is holding, his eyes meet mine in a cold stare.
“That shouldn’t have happened, Zara,” he says, his voice firm.
“Maybe not.” I shrug. “But it did. Anyway, my aim isn’t to make you feel awkward. I was hoping you could help me with this.” I thrust the homework task across his desk.
His brow creases. “You told me Pride and Prejudice is one of your favorites.”
“Still”—I shrug—“my future is riding on this year. I want to be sure I’m on the same page as you.”
He studies me for a long time, like he’s gauging my motive, and then finally nods, succumbing to my need for help. After all, that’s why he said he showed up at my place—he was worried about me, and I’m pretty sure that means that if I was in a bad spot, he’d want to help. His personality is very much Captain Save A Hoe, if you ask me.
“Okay. We can run through the material.” He pauses, checking his watch. “I have a meeting now, but I have office hours tomorrow. If you don’t have any other classes around three, we can meet then.”
I uncross my legs, swing them in front of me, and jump down from the desk, a smile on my lips. He catches my eye for a moment and then looks away.
“Thanks, Mr. Bain. I really appreciate this,” I say, pushing the papers into my backpack and slinging it over my shoulder. “I’ll see y
ou tomorrow.”
—
The apartment is empty when I arrive home, but that’s not unusual. Between his classes, work, and his dedication to drinking, I rarely see Dillon. Not that it bothers me. As awful as it sounds, he is a means to an end for me. I did truly love him at one point, but since Karly’s gone, it all seems pointless. It doesn’t help that every time I see his face, all I can think of are the times we all spent together. I know Dillon only through Karly, and now when I’m with him, I want only her. I’m a terrible human being. I’d give anything for just one more conversation, one more sleepover, one more anything with her…in a heartbeat, no second guesses.
I settle down on the bed with a bowl of ramen and my laptop. I check my email first. My heart swells when I see a new message from Ryan, my brother. Given the lack of Internet in war-torn areas, his emails to me are few and far between, so hearing from him makes my day. Hell, it makes my month.
Zara,
How’s my baby sister doing? I hear you’ve moved to Evanston with that asshole you call a boyfriend. Seriously, you can do so much better, but I know you know this, so I won’t go on about it.
Things are good here. I’m safe, which is always a plus, huh?
How’s school? I hope you’re making friends and not doing that emo “I don’t need anybody” thing I know you probably are doing. Try and let people in, okay? I worry about you—which is ironic, considering I’m the one living in a fucking desert doing real-life G.I. Joe type shit.
You know I love ya. 194 days and a wake up. See you soon, munchkin.
Ryan
I bite my lip and try to hold back my tears. Even with his rather short emails, especially when what I write to him could be considered a novel, it makes me smile knowing he’s thinking about me when he should be worried about his own life. He truly is the best big brother a girl could ask for. Other than Karly, he’s the only person who really knows me. Even though he’s three years older than I am, we have that weird twin vibe. Everyone else thinks I’ve moved on after what happened to Karly. My freaking parents are expecting Dillon and I to announce our engagement any moment. I laugh at the thought. The idea of spending my life with him makes me feel nothing.
Nothing.
Not wanting to do any homework or mindlessly troll the Internet, I close the laptop and curl up on the couch. I feel alone. I always feel alone, but usually I can find things to keep me distracted and occupied. Tonight, it’s different.
It’s the anniversary of Karly’s death.
What can I say about her that will do her memory justice? She was the sweetest person, someone who was always there for me, ready to listen to my whining about Dillon and everything else. So close in age, we had a unique bond, and from my earliest memory we shared everything together. She was my best friend. My soul mate.
That’s what hurts the most.
I thought we could speak about anything, so why didn’t she confide in me that things were so bad she thought killing herself was the only option? It was so hard not to be angry with her. Maybe it’s selfish of me, but she took something from me and I’ll never forgive her for that.
She took us.
Aunt Marie found her. I can’t even imagine how awful that would’ve been. She hadn’t seen her all day, and when she went down to check the basement…Part of me is happy that she went home for that weekend, though. As sad as it was when she passed, in a weird way it’s comforting to know that she wasn’t in some sorority house or someplace even worse. She went in peace.
I’ll never forget the moment I found out. I was lying on the sofa listening to music when the phone rang and my life changed forever. It was Uncle Ray, but he couldn’t speak—all he could do was cry. Mom took the phone from me and I knew. I knew it was about Karly. The police and coroner ruled it a suicide and Marie and Ray were torn apart. Karly was their only child and I can’t even begin to imagine the pain they felt that day. The funeral came together quickly since there was no autopsy—the family wanting to get Karly to her final resting place so she could be at peace. I understood that. I wanted that for Karly, too. I just can’t get over why she never tried to talk to me about what was going on with her.
It wasn’t like it was a sudden decision. She had thought it through. If she could put so much effort into planning that, why couldn’t she have talked to me? She’d thought to write me a note, nothing long, but enough to say what’d happened to her and why she couldn’t go on. So short, in fact, that I know every word by heart, having read it time and time again.
