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My attraction to Reno was hideously inappropriate. I fought it constantly, but I felt sure Leon knew deep down that he wasn't the guy I wanted. He was just the guy I let myself have. I let him in because I knew he couldn't truly touch me. He was a buffer. Leon probably wanted to seal the deal with me because Reno hadn't and he wanted something, or in this case someone, Reno didn’t have first.
Leon was one of the most popular guys in school, but he was second best to Reno. They might be tight like brothers, but Reno held the spotlight and Leon stood next to him, always had.
I wished I felt something real for Leon, and a whole lot of nothing for his stupid friend, but for as long as I could remember, Reno stirred something in me I couldn't seem to shake or disguise very well. I flat out refused to admit the extent of his hold on me, though. Not even to myself. A river in Egypt and all that. I couldn't afford to go there.
I rolled sideways and curled into the fetal position as I contemplated what to do. I couldn't sleep with a guy just because I felt bad for him, gift him the win he so badly wanted. I couldn’t do it just to get at someone else. Could I? Could I really take it that far?
If I did, maybe Leon and I would both get over our Reno hang-ups. I was never going there with Reno, not ever, no matter how much that particular itch needed scratching. I already knew the ending to that story and happily ever after wasn't it. If I let myself go there, even once, there'd be no coming back. I'd become another in his vast collection of human sex toys, and I'd despise myself for it. I already flirted way too close to the line when it came to him. He wasn't into monogamy; he had it way too good to tie himself down. He'd never promise me anything, and I wanted someone to want me for more than sex. I'd sworn my entire life, I'd never let my self-respect become a casualty of my hormones. So, why not just do it with Leon? Get it over with?
Something inside of me recoiled at the thought.
My cell phone buzzed again.
“Hey.”
“Babe, where you at?”
“Home. Where am I supposed to be?”
“On the end of my dick!” Leon guffawed. I rolled my eyes. “J. K. But we're hooking up tonight, right?”
I rolled to my back and stared at the faded brown circles on the ceiling.
“Ri?”
“Huh? Oh, uh, I just... hey, Leon?”
“Yeah?”
I palmed my forehead, hating what I was about to do. “Hey, Leon, did you have sex with Ashley in the locker room at lunch?”
“I, uh... it was… we... what?”
His garbled response made it even harder. I was placing blame unfairly. I'd never asked him not to be with other girls, and I continuously played a game of fire with the guy he'd called brother since kindergarten. I was dangerously close to getting burned. This whole charade had to end.
“Look, Leon, I don't think this thing between us, should, uh, continue,” I said, my voice weak.
“What?” he clipped. “Are you fucking with me?”
“No, I'm not. I'm just... I don't think we're, well, I don't think this is going where either of us, uh, wants it to, uh, go.” Lame. Lame, lame, lame. I should have practiced something.
“Right. So where do you w
ant it to go?” He sounded hurt, and that hurt me. We'd been friends since I moved here over eight years ago. He had been the first person to talk to me. Granted, he’d pulled my pigtails at recess and caught farts in his hand before covering my face with it, from the ages of eight through to eleven, but I’d eventually figured out why. Boys!
God, I should never have touched his dick. Touching dicks ruins everything. What was I thinking?
“Uh... not where... you, um, want it to go?” I cringed at my own words.
He was silent for a beat. “Is this because I've been pushing for sex?”
I sighed. “Yes, and no.” Before he could interrupt, I hurried on, trying to explain without coming right out and confessing that it wasn't him I wanted. “It just made me realize that I'm not ready for any of this. Not sex, not a relationship, not... yet.” The lie tasted bitter, but it wasn't like I would ever act on my unwanted feelings for Reno.
“We don't have to have sex. We can just keep things the way they are, I'm good with tha—”
“No, Leon. I don't want to be doing anything with you, not if you're... doing stuff with other people.”
“I won't then. I won't touch anyone else.”
