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“Mind if I sit?
” I asked. He shrugged, lifting a cigarette to his lips. I couldn’t resist snatching it from his hand and throwing it to the ground, stumping it out under my heel with a muttered, “It’s not good for you.”
Shifting to face me with a raised brow and maybe the tiniest hint of a smirk, he murmured, “Thanks for looking out for me.”
He spoke with a heavy dose of sarcasm. I chose to ignore it. Holding his gaze, I injected as much sincerity into my tone as possible. “Always.”
He looked away. Moments passed in silence.
“Haven’t seen you since the weekend?” The question was my way of asking maybe a dozen different things, things that I couldn’t find it in me to say out loud for fear I’d scare him off... or I wouldn’t like the answers. Where have you been? Are you avoiding me? Have you been eating and sleeping okay? Why don’t you come to class? Do you regret being with me? The last was the scariest, but really, the list went on, there was so much I wanted to know. But I wasn’t his mother and nor was I his girlfriend anymore... if I ever had been. I wasn’t even sure I could call myself his friend at this point. I was back to being his nothing.
My eyes stared at the side of his head, like maybe I could break inside if I focused hard enough. I could fight my way in and shift some things around so he could see me the way he did before.
He didn’t answer my question, or any of the million unspoken ones. Voice low, attention diverted away from me, he said, “Thank you. For the gift.”
It was crazy how the tiniest crumb caused an overload of emotion to rush through me. Biting my lip to stop a giddy smile from breaking out, I simply nodded, clearing my throat to move aside the boulder his words had created.
“You’re welcome.” I’d put an old picture of Reno and Owen from a few years ago in a wooden frame. “I remember taking that picture of you two. I think it’s always been my favorite.”
More silence. I swallowed.
“Did you, uh, did you have a nice birthday? You know, as much as...” I trailed off, realizing what I was about to say. As much as you could after you woke up alone, as much as you could on your first birthday without your father and brother...
“Yeah,” he muttered, sparing me the most fleeting of glances as he stood. He made his way down the lower tiers. I bit the inside of my lip in frustration. The auditorium used to be for bands and theatre performances and such, maybe ten or more years ago, but it mostly sat empty now ever since the school buildings underwent an extensive remodel.
Unthinking, I snatched my bag and trailed after him, my footsteps carrying me at a far slower pace than his.
“Ren... would you just stop? Please?” I wasn’t sure that he would, but he did, his hands gripping his hips, his head down. Reaching him, I placed a firm hand on his forearm, my lungs protesting the second bout of physical exertion in less than thirty minutes. “We can’t even be friends now? Can’t talk to each other? Christ, you were inside me a few days ago!”
The whole situation shredded my insides, until it felt like everything swirled around inside of me, untethered. I felt untethered, ungrounded. Our relationship had always been dysfunctional, but we’d had one. Few days passed where we didn’t have some interaction, and I’d needed it. That was before I’d even realized I’d fallen for him. And now... nothing. In fact, this. It was worse than nothing. Moisture stung my lids and I bit out a curse, gritting my teeth. Dammit, I couldn’t do this again.
“No point making things harder.” It was that robot voice again, the one where a freaking cyborg asked a random human for directions. I couldn’t take it. This stilted, closed off Reno may as well have been an alien for all the resemblance he bore to the old, confident, cocky, teasing Reno.
My chin lifted, a bite of anger slashing through the ever-present pain and heartache.
“Make what harder? Cutting me completely out of your life? Pretending I don’t exist? Forgetting that you came to my trailer drunk and had sex with me? Ignoring the fact that I love you and I’m trying so fucking hard to be here for you!” My voice had risen with each heated word. I knew I was screeching by the end of my tirade, my hands fisting and chest heaving.
“Well, fucking stop!” he yelled, taking me aback. Shock registered in his eyes the exact moment it did in mine. He exhaled roughly, thrusting a hand up over his face then through his hair. Voice calmer, he said, “Just stop, Riley. Stop forcing your way into my life.” He stressed each word. Like he meant them.
My heart felt like it broke apart inside my chest. Actual physical pain bloomed. Like my ribs had cracked and the jagged edges pierced my insides. Lids flowing closed, I rocked my head from side to side and inhaled through my nose. I’d allowed him into my heart against my better judgement, and what did I get? A swift boot through it. I couldn’t begin to understand his pain, but I was standing here offering to share it, and he was throwing my every effort back in my face.
Opening narrowed eyes on him and refusing to curtail my acrimony, I said, “Well, maybe you should have thought about that before you forced your way into mine.”
I knew the anger would be short lived, and I’d regret lashing out at him when he was adrift in such turbulent waters. But I squared my shoulders, turned on my heel, and stormed away from him, feeling rudderless and empty.
My feet carried me forward without knowing the direction or destination. They just kept me moving, treading water until... I didn’t even know anymore.
He’d twisted me round in circles and then stepped back to watch the fallout.
Thirty
Reno
“You coming with?” Le asked.
I shook my head, spinning the cap on the bottle in my hand. Leon planted his ass down on my sofa. I felt rather than saw his head shift, his eyes landing on me.
“How long you planning on avoiding her?”
