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He withdrew emotionally before he’d left my body. I sensed the shift in him as reality crashed in, as realization dawned like a blinding light and his shutters came down, forging a distance between us I wouldn’t have thought possible only a few minutes ago. Without making eye contact, Reno moved to the edge of the bed, tugging on his underwear and throwing his shirt over his head. He shoved both legs into his jeans, shrugging them over his thighs and doing up the buttons without uttering a word or glancing in my direction.
A solid lump formed in my throat as I watched him retreat, disappointment surging in me. I’d naively believed this would change things, that we’d crossed a bridge and we could pick up where we left off… before. Lifting myself to a sitting position at the head of the bed, I pulled my bent knees up under my chin and wrapped my arms around them tightly. Tears sat just behind my lids, begging to fall, but I forced them back.
“Hey,” I murmured, voice thick with emotion, “you okay?”
He stilled at my words, his shoulders tightening. He didn’t look up as he responded gruffly, “Yeah.” Clasping his hands between his splayed legs, he said, “Are you?”
His voice was flat, devoid of any emotion. He could have been talking to a stranger in the street, instead of inquiring about the emotional state of the girl he’d just had sex with, then emotionally deserted before pulling out of her body.
My head bobbed automatically, whether to reassure myself or him I didn’t know. Either way, it was a lie. I wasn’t okay. But I continued nodding until I realized he couldn’t see it. I opened my lips to verbalize my response, then stopped myself. Even if I was sure I could get the words out, I deserved a single glance, just one. If he wanted to know how I was, I wanted him to look at me.
His head lowered, dipping between his thighs, and his clenched knuckles pressed into his forehead. When he finally turned, tilting his head to the side just far enough to see my face, I immediately wished I hadn’t forced his hand. A deep crease lined his forehead. His face was hard and his jaw tight. We should have stopped; that’s what he was thinking. It was so clear on his face; it was like I was reading his mind through a wall of glass.
Hurt sliced through my chest like a sharpened blade, and I wondered how much pain a heart could withstand before it became too damaged to repair. How many blows it could take before it shattered so completely the pieces wouldn’t fit back together the way they had before. Witnessing the regret that plagued him both times we’d done this devastated me, but it was the depth of sadness in his eyes, the despondency that blanketed him like a heavy fog, that was utterly heartbreaking. I wanted to fix him. I wanted to believe that I could. But giving him my body did nothing. If anything, it seemed to make things worse. I didn’t know what else I could do, but I couldn’t contemplate a different alternative; I had to be able to fix him. I couldn’t bring myself to consider that the damage to his heart might be irrevocable. That I might never be able to put him back together.
Swallowing roughly, he said, “I should head out.”
I nodded mutely, my eyes staring off somewhere over his shoulder. My vision misted as tears pooled, impatient to flow freely. Standing, Reno crossed the distance to the bedroom door in two long strides, then stopped before he walked through. Angling his body slightly back toward me, he turned his head, his eyes downcast.
“Riley…” he began before breaking off. My breath caught in my lungs, both hope and fear gripped me. “This doesn't—” He shook his head and cleared his throat. “Nothing has changed.”
My lids lowered and the dam broke. He cursed, crossing back to me with quick strides.
“I’m not trying to hurt you, Riley. I don’t want to fucking hurt you. I don’t... fuck, I don’t know what the hell I’m doing.” He dropped in front of me, his hands lifting my face to his. His concerned gaze roved over every inch. “I’m sorry. Okay? I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have come here. This just makes it harder.”
“It doesn’t have to.”
His eyes lingered a few seconds longer, before he touched his forehead to mine briefly. Raising his lips, he dropped a kiss there before releasing me and striding for the door.
“Reno?” I called out, and he halted. I jumped quickly from the bed and pulled open the top drawer in my bedside cabinet. Walking up behind him, I tucked the wrapped gift into the hand by his side. “Happy Birthday,” I whispered. “I’m never far, okay? I’ll be right here if you need me.”
His head tipped a fraction to the slim package in his hand. His fingers closed around it until his knuckles whitened. I heard his deep inhalation before he nodded and left.
I didn’t see him again over the weekend, and he didn’t show at school on Monday or Tuesday. I glimpsed him ducking into class on Wednesday and again when he was making his way through the student parking lot that afternoon. We shared two classes this semester, but he hadn’t been to either since he lost Owen and Brett. He’d gone to all the others, but not those. He couldn’t even sit in a classroom with me. I’d mentioned it to Leon, trying to sound as non-stalkerish as possible, and he’d told me to stop stressing. If only it were that easy.
Leon picked that moment to stride through the classroom door. Making his way through the desks, he dropped into the one directly behind mine and snagged the end of my ponytail, tugging once before releasing it. I swivelled immediately, uncaring that Mrs. Hannigan had just called for attention. Around me, kids started pocketing their phones and ending conversations.
“Where is he?”
“Miss Mason? Can I have your eyes up front, please?”
Leon’s blue gaze flickered over my shoulder to the front of the room, and then to the wide expanse of glass to his left, before returning to mine. He jerked his head toward the window.
“Miss Mason?”
The back of my head still facing the teacher, my eyes strayed to the glass. My fingers tightened around the back of the seat when they landed on the solitary figure cutting across the student parking lot, rounding the corner and heading in the direction of the auditorium.
“Miss Mason?”
“Ri?” Leon muttered, grabbing my attention and nodding to where Mrs. Hannigan stood, most likely scowling. Instead of spinning around, I pushed up from the seat, grabbed my backpack and paced toward the door.
“Miss Mason!” Mrs. Hannigan sputtered, eyes popping wide behind the frames of her glasses. “Where are you going? Riley? Riley, you’re not permitted to leave my class without a pass.”
Pausing to offer her a quick glance, I said, “I feel sick to my stomach. I’m going to the nurse.”
She repeated my name, but I broke into a jog, traversing the hallways like I was being chased, which I very well might have been. I approached the door nearest the parking lot and burst through, my heart running a mile a minute.
Reno spotted me as soon as I came into view. These days, I knew when he’d seen me because his body stilled completely, every part of him suddenly on edge as if he had to keep himself in check and guard his reaction. Slinging my bag down by his feet on the second to top tier of the old auditorium, I stood over him, trying to catch my breath without outright heaving and wheezing. Nobody would ever accuse me of being athletic, but I’d rather not advertise just how out of shape I was.
