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Regret, guilt, shame. Even devastation. Stamped all over his face like a passport.
Too fucking late.
His hands grabbed my upper arms again, tugging my body closer like a rag doll.
“Please, Riley!” he urged, his eyes squeezing shut before opening on mine, the depth of his remorse clear to see. “Fuck, I’m sorry. Riley. I’m fucking sorry.”
I struggled in his hold.
“Wait, okay? Just fucking... wait, please,” he beseeched me, his eyes begging. “I didn't… fuck! I didn’t mean to do that. I'm sorry, Riley. I’m sorry. I didn’t—”
Voice hard, I cut him off with a murmured, “Yeah, you did. I got too close. I factored you into my plans. For a second there, I might even have made you happy. But you don’t want that.” I marvelled at the fact my voice didn’t shake, that I didn’t simply break down into little pieces at his feet. Holding his gaze, chin up, I said, “Don't worry. I get it now.”
“I didn't fucking say it,” he said urgently, panicked eyes blazing, his voice fevered.
I steeled myself. “Then you got what you wanted all along... for me to hate you enough that you wouldn’t have to.”
His head dropped, his grip tightening where he held onto me. “Riley. Let me make this right. I swear I’ll fucking make this right.”
Easing out of his hold, I took a step back, then another. “Goodbye, Maddox.”
He let me go. I caught sight of Leon’s fist connecting with Reno’s face as I turned.
I made it four steps through the gate, out of sight, before my body folded. Liss was there to hold me up, and I sobbed into her shoulder, like the baby I didn’t know what the hell to do about.
Thirty-Nine
Riley
A week to the day I’d found out, and I still hadn't scheduled a visit to the doctor.
I couldn’t bring myself to. I knew I should, but I was still reeling from the events of the weekend, and this was a problem I couldn’t see a solution for. Whatever I did, though, I’d be doing it alone. And I just… couldn’t. If I didn't acknowledge it, then it wasn't happening. But, as Liss had gently reminded me, this wasn't a situation I could ignore for much longer. I had decisions to make. The thought of those decisions kept me awake at night, my mind screaming and heart beat thundering. The thought of those decisions stabbed at my chest and twisted my insides.
I knew I had options. Options that would make the problem go away. Make it like it never happened. And that’s what I wanted, right? So why did every cell in my body violently reject the mere idea of that? Abortion, adoption... the words hit me like a round of bullets to the heart.
“Did you think any more about...?” Liss asked, voice low enough so only I could hear. Her head tipped closer to mine, but her uncharacteristically serious eyes surveyed the chaotic room around us like an undercover agent, ensuring nobody pried.
My eyes slid closed before her soft question hit my ears. It was the most hideous of all catch-22s. I couldn't bring myself to explore the alternatives, but I couldn't be a mother at this point in my life either. How could I figure out what to do? Kids were some arbitrary thought, an assumed part of my future. Something I hadn’t considered but would probably want when I could provide them with the security and stability all children deserved. As a bare minimum, I’d want a home, an income... oh, and a father who wanted to stick around for longer than the three minutes it took to conceive the kid. I had none of those things.
The choice should have been simple. I was seventeen, still in high school, lived with my strip club dancer mom in a single wide trailer with one bedroom... and Reno didn’t want a future with me. On paper, there was no decision. Write it down fifteen different ways, backward, forward, front and back. The sensible choice would be as plain as the ink markings on the sheet. Yet I found myself wracked with doubt, so much I struggled to think straight.
Staring ahead through weary eyes, I tried so damn hard to resist, but my rebellious gaze strayed, anyway. Reno's unmistakable form appeared in my peripheral, blurred and distant, from across the cafeteria. He'd had the decency to maintain a distance from Raya this lunchtime. The pain he'd inflicted weighed down on my chest like a physical presence. But I’d brought this all on myself. He’d made it clear on numerous occasions. He couldn’t let me all the way in, couldn’t allow himself to believe we might have a future. And why would he? All he’d known was loss. How could he expect to hold on to anything? It was my own stupid fault if I'd refused to hear it. I couldn’t tell him now.
“Come on, Ri.” Applying a little pressure, Liss encouraged me up from the table. Collecting our trash and stacking it on the tray with one hand, she kept the other firmly wrapped around me. I felt redundant as I stood by and watched her transporting the trays. I should have offered to help, but my mind felt spongy and vacant, like it took at least ten seconds longer than normal to process and react, and then my limbs didn't seem eager to respond to my delayed, lackluster commands anyway. So, I let Liss take over, allowed her to guide me out of the cafeteria.
As if acting separate from my brain, my eyes trailed back to the place I'd deemed off limits. To Reno. And just before the cafeteria doors whooshed closed, our gazes clashed. My body stiffened and my chest constricted. My entire world narrowed to the endless brown eyes piercing through me. They were a riot of shame and sorrow, pain and regret. It was almost too much to look at. Time seemed to stand still as we stared at one another. Each beat of my heart slowed, thudding loudly against the inside of my skull, and reverberating around my body. Then the doors snapped together, breaking our connection.
My body swayed and my breath burst from my lungs in a sharp gasp. Liss tightened her grip and propelled us forward, ducking into the bathroom and sitting me down.
“Talk to me, Ri.” Eyes brimming with sympathy and concern scanned my face from a crouched position in front of where I sat hunched on the closed toilet seat.
My lips rolled together, the heavy thuds of my heart still echoing around in my head. It felt like I was breaking into pieces. Like I was a box labelled fragile, but some sadistic person just wouldn’t quit shaking me. Any more strain, I'd split right down the middle.
“I don't know what to do,” I finally whispered, raw emotion smothering my voice. “It's all so messed up. Part of me thinks I should call the clinic and make a damn appointment to... you know... just get it over with. It could all be over. But the rest of me can't stomach the thought of that.”
Her slim hand covered my trembling one. “That's understandable, Ri.”
“Is it?”
