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I could almost resent them; Leon, my mom, my sister, Riley, everyone I’d ever loved, for making me fucking feel.
Because now I was going to lose them all. And it was going to fucking destroy me.
Riley took my hand again, and this time, I closed mine around it. Gathering moisture coated my lashes, and I knew the dam was seconds from rupturing.
“I’m so sorry, Liss.” Pain leached from Ri’s voice as a single tear tracked over her cheek.
Love brought about hurt in so many different ways. Not all of them came from a bad place. I saw that now. When you loved someone, when you truly loved them—a family member, a friend, a lover—you felt every morsel of their pain as if it were your own. And I couldn’t bring myself to resent that. Feeling pain because I loved someone, because they loved me, that was the kind of love I hadn’t realized existed.
“You set it up so he’d walk in.”
It wasn’t posed as a question, but I nodded anyway.
“Oh, Liss.” She reached across and wrapped her arms around my neck. “I wish… I wish you’d told me all of this.”
When she eased back, I shook my head. “You had enough going on.”
More tears fell as she shook her head vehemently, her hands closing around my arms. “I don’t fucking care. I can’t believe you went through all of this alone. That you felt like you couldn’t talk to me. You’ve always been there for me, always. I want to do the same for you. Whatever happens, I’m here for you. I don’t care what’s going on in my life.”
“I know.” I smiled thinly. “I know.” And I did. I just hadn’t been able to open up. Hadn’t been able to let myself need her. Or anyone else. I needed them all now. When I couldn’t have them.
Her eyes held fast to mine in the dim light. “I need to say something, and I need you to listen, Liss.”
I blinked.
“I can’t begin to comprehend how you’re feeling. I understand why you felt like you had to do that, I get it, babe, I do.” Her eyes lowered, and I drew in a breath when they came back up. “I think you should talk to him.”
My head shook so hard pain erupted. “No, Riley.”
She pressed her lips together, head tilting to the side. “Do you love him?”
My breath faltered, and I averted my eyes. She didn’t need me to say it.
“He loves you.”
Not anymore.
Something splintered inside of me, and I gasped with the force of it.
Riley’s grip intensified. “Give him a chance to make his own choice, Liss. This isn’t a decision you can make for him. Love doesn’t work like that, babe.”
Wrenching my arms from her grip, I rubbed them over my forehead then pressed them to my eyes. I couldn’t fucking let him choose, because… because that would be fucking selfish. And that was the honest fucking truth. But it wasn’t the only reason, and I knew it.
I could never let him choose… in case he didn’t choose me.
And now, there were so many legitimate reasons. I’d know why he couldn’t. But it would still be rejection, and that was everything I’d always tried to avoid.
Deep down, I think I’d always known the reason I hated Leon.
He was so much like my father in so many ways. The looks, the charm, the attitude, the girls. And it was easier to hate someone than it was to love them and watch them leave you behind.
But Leon was nothing like my father. Nothing.
He was nothing like the boy I’d always believed him to be. And I’d never regret loving him. Not for one second.
I only wished I could have had more of them.
“You can’t tell him this, Riley. Promise me.”
