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Her eyes dimmed, a tiny spark of hope flickering out, but she dipped her head gently and gripped my hand as she agreed to my request.
***
I dragged my body through the dark house after Ri dropped me home, not bothering to turn on any lights.
Ascending the stairs with light steps, I pulled off my boots, then paused outside of my sister’s bedroom door. I traced my fingers down the wood, inhaling deeply before nudging it open.
Bella lay on her back, her blonde hair fanned out around her head, her small face illuminated by the soft glow of the nightlight she still used but would deny with her last breath if anyone dared mention it.
My throat constricted as I leaned my weight against the frame, watching the steady rise and fall of her chest as she slept.
Would she have a future? Or would she only get half a life? Would she grow old, would she have kids? If she did, would she live to see her kids grow?
The questions kept coming, crowding my mind, and I drew in a staggered breath, fighting to stay calm with my eyes tight shut.
After I’d regained some composure, I plodded silently to the bed and dropped to my knees with the heavy weight of my heart in my chest. Leaning forward, I placed a gentle kiss to Bella’s brow then reached out and smoothed her bangs back off her forehead, taking in the delicate line of her nose and the pink blush to her rounded cheeks. I allowed my eyes to linger a few seconds longer, taking her in, committing every facet to memory, as if I could sear it so far into my brain that nothing could ever touch it. Nothing could take it away.
But I could already imagine it escaping, the image falling through holes in a sieve, memories fading into nothing as if they were never there.
As if they never happened.
I stood quickly and crossed to the door, pulling it closed behind me.
I breathed in as my eyes fell on the door left slightly ajar at the end of the dimly lit hall. I moved toward it—each step heavier than the last—and my fingers trembled as I gripped the knob and edged it open wider. Soft moonlight filtered through the uncovered window, casting a muted glow across the bed and over my mother’s prone form laying atop it. Pain bloomed in my chest like a new wound, fresh blood pooling beneath the surface.
Sleeping like this, she looked like any other mom.
But she wasn’t. She wasn’t like them at all. And I couldn’t keep fooling myself into thinking she was.
My mom’s mind was slowly wasting away to nothing. As I stood here, watching her, scissored hands were busy slicing away memories like branches on a tree. Stealing fragments of her life, piece by piece, until there would be nothing left.
Not Bella. Not me. I clenched my teeth against the emotion surging up my throat, a toxic mix of bitterness and despair.
Why fucking us?
Everyone must have had reason to ask that at some point in their life. And when it came down to it, the answer was why fucking not?
Who should this happen to? Who should watch the people they love disappear before their eyes? Who should discover the beauty of love only to realize they could never truly experience it?
Moving closer, I carefully tugged the covers back and slid under. I lay on my side, facing my mom, and tucked my hand under my head as I just watched her breathe. The gentle inhale and exhale that told me she was still here, still with me.
When everything turned watery, I slammed my eyelids down and cursed under my breath. I couldn’t remember the last time I’d allowed tears to escape.
Because once upon a time, I’d seen my mom cry, seen her sob and beg and plead, and it had achieved nothing. Except to show my father her weakness. Crying wouldn’t help anyone, it wouldn’t change anything, and I’d trained myself to push that emotion down.
But the tears were so close to the surface now, and so many, so insistent.
Breathing in, I peeled my eyes open, and startled at the sight of a pair of vacant blue ones so similar to my own staring back at me.
For a second, I froze, my heart crashing into my ribs. My lungs seized, holding the air inside of them captive. I didn’t speak; didn’t move, as my heartbeat throbbed in my head.
I waited. And waited, panic rising with every passing second.
And then my mom’s face softened, the faintest of smiles pulling at the corners of her lips, a warm glint appearing in her pale blue eyes. “Hi, honey.”
And that was all it took for the dam to break.
A choked sob of relief tore from me, a gasped breath breaking free from my chest as my eyelids slammed shut and released a torrent of tears that soaked the cotton pillowcase beneath my cheek.
