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I tried to move on. Tried to date other guys without the whole virgin stigma hanging over me anymore. But I inevitably wound up disappointed. None of the guys I went out with got me the way Gavin had. And none of them turned me on like he had. I still kept running away every time things got intimate and wound up pleasuring myself to memories of that one, hot night on the cruise ship.
And like the men I dated, I wound up disappointed every time I had to get myself off. Yeah, I orgasmed, but it was nowhere near as good or intense as it had been with Gavin. I felt like I was trying to grab puffs of smoke, chasing something I'd never catch.
But that was neither here nor there at the moment. There were a hell of a lot bigger things on my plate to worry about in that moment than my return to having absolutely no sex life. Lila and I sat down on her sofa, and instantly, the tears started to fall.
“Still haven't got your period, huh?” she asked.
I shook my head. “I just knew it would come once the surgery was over and thing calmed down with my mom,” I said, sniffing loudly. “I honestly figured it was just stress, but—”
“You have tests,” she asked, motioning toward my Rite-Aid bag. “It very well could be the stress, hon.”
I nodded and held up the bag. “In here.” I say.
“Good,” she sighed. “Let's get you some answers. No use freaking out if you're not actually pregnant.”
“What else could it be?” I asked. “I'm a month late, Lila.”
She shrugged. “Female problems? I hear of weird shit all the time, but I'm no gyno, so…”
She reached for the bag and opened it, grabbing one of the boxes inside and tearing it open. She pulled out the instructions and then read over them as I stared down at my hands, which were clasped in my lap, in silence. She handed me the stick and gave me a small smile.
“Go pee on this,” she said. “Then we wait.”
I took the test in hands that were trembling and walked into her hall bathroom. I took the test and placed it on a piece of toilet paper and then sat down on the lid of the toilet seat, calling Lila in to wait with me. She gave my shoulder a reassuring squeeze and leaned against the bathroom door as I sat there on the toilet, my head in my hands.
“What am I going to do, Lila?” I cried, big, fat tears rolling down my cheeks. “I can't be pregnant. I just can't be.”
“There's only one person who could be the father, right?” Lila asked. “I mean, if you are pregnant, that is.”
I nodded. “Only person I've slept with.”
“Right, okay,” she muttered, pacing the small bathroom. “If this test comes back positive, we're going to need to contact him and—”
“No,” I said, eyes wide, a jolt of fear shooting through my body. “We absolutely cannot contact him. I don't even know him, Lila.”
“But he is the father of your baby,” she says. “And if it comes back positive, you shouldn't have to do this alone.”
She had a point, but I still shook my head. Finding and contacting Gavin was the last thing I wanted, especially for something like this. I had no idea how he'd react to the news. And I had absolutely no desire to force him to be with me if he wasn't into a relationship and a kid. He led a lifestyle that told me his priorities were elsewhere. And that he wasn't really in a place to deal with something that radically life-altering.
“I can't be pregnant. I can't be pregnant,” I kept repeating over and over again, hoping if I said it enough times, it would be true.
“It's time,” Lila said, looking at her watch.
We both stared at each other for a long moment, the sense of dread and foreboding growing within me with each passing second. Slowly, and with a hand shaking so bad, you'd think I had palsy, I reached for the stick. I hadn't read the instructions, so when I looked at the little window on the thing, I had no idea what it meant. I showed it to Lila, my eyes wide and tears rolling down my face.
“Christ on a cracker, Josie,” Lila said, and she actually sounded happy.
“What? Is it negative?” I asked, starting to feel hopeful.
“No, sweetie,” she said, her eyes and voice softening. “You're pregnant, Josie. You're going to be a mommy.”
My heart sank and everything inside me froze. This had to be a dream. It just had to be. There was no way I was pregnant. There was no way I could be. Not with everything else going on. I couldn't afford for it to be true.
Lila took my hands and pulled me up, hugging me close. “We're going to spoil this baby so fucking much. Josie,” she said. “Just think about how much fun it'll be.”
Fun, sure. Except I had enough student loan debt to choke a horse. I had no career to fall back on because I'd had to drop out of school. And I had a mother who needed me twenty-four hours a day, seven days week.
Yeah, that sure sounded like a lot of fun.
