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“What? I rarely get a Saturday off,” he said. “I want to enjoy it. Is that a crime?
With everything going on with Hadley and me kissing in the bathroom, the last thing I wanted to do was sit around in a hot tub drinking with her. As if I needed to be tempted any more than I already was. I needed to keep my distance and perspective. Needed to get my head on straight when it came to her.
At the same time though, the idea of seeing her in a bikini was incredibly enticing and almost too much temptation to pass up.
“I think it sounds like fun,” Hadley said. “I'll text my mom, but once Grayson goes to bed, it shouldn't be a problem.”
Evan nodded. “Yeah, it would be fun to unwind and catch up.”
It came down to me. Everybody turned and looked at me, the weight of their gazes heavy.
“Then let's do it,” I said.
***
“Listen, Gabe, about what happened in the bathroom –”
As soon as we were back in the car, heading home, she brought it up. I knew she would. She never was one to let things die. “I'm sorry about that,” I said, keeping my eyes on the road. “I shouldn't have let it get that far.”
“No, I don't blame you, I mean – I know I shouldn't just expect things to go back to the way they were. It wouldn't be right to Chris and his memory, for one thing. I loved him. I really did,” she said.
“I know you did,” I said softly.
I saw it in the way she looked at him. I remember though, that she used to look at me like that too, though. Once I was out of the picture, Hadley fell hard for my best friend, and she fell fast too. The two of them were good for one another. It killed me to admit it, but it was true.
They had the life I always wanted for myself. A loving relationship, a baby, everything I'd envisioned having with Hadley myself one day. Sure, I had the career, but I lost everything else I wanted out of life. And now I knew why. My blood boiled as soon as I remembered the conversation we'd had about Jessica.
“It's weird though,” she continued, resting her head against the back of the seat, “even though I loved him with all my heart, I never stopped loving you too. How is that even possible?”
Her words sent a jolt of adrenaline through me, making my ears perk up. “You still loved me?”
“MmmHmm,” she said, turning her head, watching me carefully for my reaction. “I know it sounds terrible, but it's true. I loved you both. Hell, I've loved you most of my life. I know it sounds horrible.”
I thought about it for a moment and answered honestly.
“I've never loved anyone like I've loved you. Not even after we split up and I dated other people. I never felt for them what I felt for you. Not even close.”
Her mouth opened in a perfect O, then closed again. She turned and went back to staring straight ahead, not saying a word as we drove down the street to her mother's house. I glanced in the rearview mirror and noticed that Grayson was asleep in his seat, his breathing even and peaceful. He looked so much like Chris. I would have been lying if I said there wasn't a part of me that wished he could be my son. “I guess, I just see things differently, that's all,” she said softly.
“Oh yeah? How so?” I asked.
“I just think it's silly that you can love many people, but only be in love with one person,” she said.
“The whole idea of soulmates seems ridiculous to me. That there's only one person who genuinely fills you up and completes you. Just because I loved Chris doesn't mean I loved you any less. Differently, but no less. It would be just like if I had another child, I wouldn't love Grayson any less.”
I gripped the steering wheel tighter, my jaw clenching, but didn't say anything. I had nothing to add to that. Was she basically telling me that she was in love with me still? If so, why? What did she hope to accomplish with that? “Love isn't a finite resource,” she continued. “That's just what I believe.”
Her brow was furrowed, and she seemed deep in thought. I pulled into her driveway, still not saying anything. When I parked the car and went to get out, she grabbed my arm. I looked at her.
“Did I upset you, Gabe?” she asked.
Her blue eyes were so clear and deep, I could drown in them. Her gaze was so direct and penetrating, it felt like she could see inside of me. I stared into those eyes for a long time to collect my thoughts and gather my words before answering.
“No, I just don't agree with you,” I said. “Not that it matters.”
She nodded and let go of my arm. “You always were a romantic at heart,” she said, a small smile pulling at her lips.
“I'm not sure it's about romance, Hadley, it's practicality. The more people you involve in a relationship, the more conflicts you have to deal with. The more complicated things tend to get. The more risks there are,” I say. “Love might not be a finite resource, but your time and attention is. I just feel like if you're in love with someo
