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His voice is strong and steady but the grief in it is obvious and heavy.
“Hugh, you have to stop blaming yourself,” I say.
“I can’t. Even if I should. And I’m not sure about that.”
“Hugh, look at me.” I reach over and turn his face to me. “What would help? There has to be something. What are you afraid of?”
Astonishingly, he laughs. Then he wags a finger at me. “You know what, Sam? That’s the right question. What I’m afraid of. I’ll tell you, and then I’m going to let you decide what to do with my answer. I’m not angry anymore. I know that what you said was just talk. I was being a brat and I’m sorry. But now I’m going to give you one more chance to back out. Do you really want to hear this?”
What does he mean by “back out?” What if I say no?
“Tell me,” I say.
“Okay,” he says. “Don’t say I didn’t warn you. This might change everything you think you know about me.”
I wait.
“Sam,” he says, “I’ve never known what it feels like to be defenseless. When you fight, you always know that it only ends in one of two ways. You win or the other guy wins. It can look like a lot of different things, but that’s always the outcome. You both accept it and you prepare accordingly, knowing full well that it might not be your night.”
“Okay.” I’m not sure what he’s getting at, but I like him in this mode. This balance of philosophical and brutish and brooding.
“Even in a fight you lose, you’ve always got a chance. Lucky punch. He makes a mistake. Whatever, but you keep fighting because you know you might get a chance to capitalize on something. That’s why you build up your technique, stamina, and strength. So you can defend yourself. I like that feeling. Always being prepared. It’s what a lot of men are missing. They don’t know what they’re capable of because they don’t prepare. Sometimes they don’t even know how.”
He looks at the stones and it doesn’t quite feel like he’s talking to me anymore. I’m glad I don’t have my recorder with me. I would have been tempted to get this on record. Not to use, but to play for him later. I’m not sure he would recognize himself.
Then he turns to me. “There’s no defense for you, Sam. Nothing I could have done, or that I can do now, makes me feel like I have a chance of resisting you. I’ve never been in this position.” He looks away.
My heart is like a bird trapped in a cage. Of all the things he might have said, this is the most unexpected.
“What I’m saying is,” he says, “I want you. I want you in my life. I want you to be my life. I know this has been fast but I have to consider the way I’m feeling to be a clue.” He reaches out and touches my cheek with the back of his hand. “If you leave, I’ll be okay, I always am, but I don’t want that to happen. I don’t want to just be just okay anymore.”
“What do you want?”
“I want to know that you will love me the way I already love you.”
The sun breaks through the light smattering of clouds. Even the deer take a step closer to see what’s happening. It’s all so storybook and clichéd that I would probably be laughing if I wasn’t trying not to cry.
“You dont have to be afraid. I feel the same way,” I say. And I mean it. It’s not just me talking out of my ass. Yes, it’s only been a few days but a life without Hugh in it seems like a life diminished. “What do we do now?”
He smiles and takes my hand. “I know another spot,” he says. “Come with me.”
Hugh pulls me gently along the edge of the clearing back into the trees. He winds through the woods and seems to double back, crisscrossing and zinging and zagging until I’m sure that we’re lost. I begin to hear a sound that’s familiar, even though I know I’ve never actually heard it in person before.
We step out of the trees near a lake that was completely hidden from view until now.
“You’re not going to believe this,” he says. Then he runs towards the water, stripping off his shirt as he goes. Somehow he manages to get his pants off without stopping his stride. He plunges in, diving headfirst, a movement he has obviously done many times before. When he resurfaces he calls me for to join him.
I can’t get my clothes off fast enough. Although the rain is gone
, I’m already anxious about the chill that will settle on my skin as soon as I expose it to the air. I run to the water, not as fast as Hugh, and jump in, bracing myself for the icy shock.
It doesn’t come. The lake is a thermal hot spring. It is slightly warmer than my usual showers, and I feel my body come to life.
When I come up for air Hugh is gliding slowly towards me like a sexy shark. I know how he’s feeling. I move away from him, forcing him to wait. He goes low in the water so just his eyes peer out, all the while moving towards me. Suddenly he dives under. He swims against my thigh, grazing it with his fingertips.
I lower myself into the water so only my head remains above. Hugh resurfaces right in front of me. His eyes are wild and he’s grinning. I like this playful side of him.
“Don’t get too comfortable,” he says, working his hands under me and lifting me to him. “There are all kinds of dangerous things in this lake.”
