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MARCUS
“I don't want my issues affecting my kids,” I said, staring down at my hands as I spoke to the therapist sitting across from me. “I know I don't spend enough time with them as it is. And I know that when I do, it's almost always dropping them in front of the television while I work on my laptop. Gina wouldn't have wanted our kids to be raised that way, but I don't know what else to do. Being a single parent isn't all that simple.”
“What about making time just for the three of you?” Dr. Miller asked. “An activity outside the house that all three of you could enjoy together?”
“Like what?” I asked, scratching my chin.
“You're an athletic person, what about an outdoor activity you could do and stay active together?
Raising an eyebrow, I stared at Dr. Miller, trying to come up with something we could do. “What, maybe something like hiking?” I asked.
“Yes, like hiking,” he replied. “But instead, make it something with a specific time and date, so it's on your schedule. Not just when you get time for it, because we both know, you'll never find time for it otherwise. You need to schedule these things.”
I'd been seeing Dr. Harold Miller since Gina passed away. We'd worked through my survivor's guilt and everything tied to it. It was years later and I couldn't believe I still needed help. I hated to admit that to anyone, but my depression never went away. If it weren't for my children, I very likely would have given up long ago. But I knew they deserved better than a father who'd given up on life – and by extension, gave up on them.
Some days were easier than others, though. And even still, there were days I had to fight to keep my spirits up and nose clean. But every day was worth it when I stared back at my two little babies, the children I'd fathered with Gina. I'd had to learn to accept that she was gone, but was still trying to learn that she lived on through them.
“Why don't you try surfing lessons?” he suggested. “Given that you live in a beach environment it couldn't hurt to get the kids on the water early, help teach them safety and all that. And it would be fun for all three of you.”
“I've never surfed before. ”
“That's the point,” Dr. Miller said. “You will be learning right alongside them. You'll all start off on the same footing and have some fun with it.”
“I don't know,” I said.
Zoey had shown an interest in body boarding whenever we went to the beach, and she loved the water. Zack was less enthusiastic about the water, but perhaps this could be a way to help him overcome his fear. I thought that maybe with repeated exposure that slowly, but surely, he could gain confidence on the water and learn to love it.
“Well, you can pick something else, of course” he said. “Just pick something, and stick to it. Do something as a family that doesn't involve work; something that is purely for fun and enjoyment.”
He was right there. I needed to stop focusing so much on my career as much as I did. After Gina's death, I'd thrown myself completely into my job to the near exclusion of anything else. I rationalized it as needing to earn a living to provide for the kids, but deep down, I knew that wasn't fair to them. It gave us a comfortable life, one that came with a lot of perks and privileges, but I knew my children needed their father to be present and attentive more than they needed things.
“And not to change the subject or anything,” Dr. Miller said, “but how's the dating life going?”
We'd talked in recent sessions about how I needed to start dating again. Dr. Miller thought I was ready to venture out into that world, but I disagreed. He'd somehow talked me into putting myself out there though. I wasn't sure how he'd gotten me to agree, but he had. I'd done as he'd asked though, but hadn't taken to it all that enthusiastically.
“I had one date last week. Melinda, was her name,” I said. “She seemed nice when we chatted online.”
“But?” he asked, raising an eyebrow.
“But when we met up in person, she drank a lot,” I said. “More than I was comfortable with.”
“How much is a lot?”
“Three, four cocktails maybe?”
“Maybe she was nervous?” he suggested. “It was a first date after all.”
“I just couldn't deal with it,” I said, shaking my head.
“Fair enough. I understand,” Dr. Miller said. “Anyone else?”
“Where do I begin?” I laughed, rubbing my temples. “I've been on a few dates over the last few months, and not a single one has worked out for me. None of them were good enough to introduce to my children.”
“Stop thinking about introducing them to your children for now. That should be the furthest thing from your mind this early on. Try focusing on yourself and just date them,” he said. “No one says you have to get married right away, Marcus. You're not holding auditions for a mom to replace Gina. That's not what this is about. This is about having fun and connecting with another adult.”
I shrugged. “I'm just not finding anyone I connect with,” I said.
“Because none of them live up to Gina?” he asked.
