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“And you will,” Emily said with confidence. “But beating yourself up about it isn’t going to help you. If you keep putting all these expectations on yourself, you’ll never get it down. You’ll never even really start because you’re too inside your own head.”
“But what do I do about that?” I asked, feeling defeated.
“You have to find a way to let go,” Emily said. “You need to just relax and write, to rid yourself of the pressure and fear. Once you do that, you’ll be able to write the book without even trying. It’ll just come to you.”
“How?” I asked.
“Because you know what to write,” Emily said. “You have two children who lost their mother, Sean. You’ve watched the pain and fear and heartache wreck their lives. You, more than anyone, have a unique perspective. If you can just let everything else go and focus on them, on Tommy and Sarah, then you’ll be fine.”
I nodded and glanced down at my desk. My notebook was still lying open to my outline page. As I held Emily, I reread the outline and slowly shook my head. It all seemed wrong now. Emily was right. I knew exactly what to write. I just had to access that part of myself and focus on it. My mind was so full of fear and regret that I couldn’t even find a place to begin. As I sat there, I pictured Tommy and Sarah on the day of Telissa’s funeral. They were both so small that day, so young and naïve.
“When Telissa died,” I said softly. “Sarah kept asking me when she would be alive again. No matter how many times I tried to explain death to her, she just didn’t understand.”
“I’m sure a lot of kids feel that way,” Emily said.
“Tommy didn’t,” I said. “He understood almost too well. It was like he just shut down after it happened. He barely spoke or ate unless I forced him. For months, he was like a zombie. I found myself wishing he would share Sarah’s hope, if just for one day.”
“That’s understandable,” Emily said. Her voice was soft as she ran her fingers through my hair again.
I sighed. “You’re right,” I said. “I just need to focus on them. Tommy and Sarah are the reason I’m doing this. They are my inspiration.”
Emily smiled and kissed me gently. She ran her thumb down my cheek once and then kissed me again, lingering just a second longer than normal. When she pulled away, the smile was still in place on her face. Without a word, she stood up and left me alone to work.
She closed the door behind her, shutting out the world and the noise. I sighed and turned to face my computer. It was brightly lit and mocking me with its blank screen, so I closed it with a snap. As I picked up my pen, I remembered Emily’s advice and smiled to myself.
My eyes immediately fell on the picture I kept on my desk of Telissa holding both Tommy and Sarah in her arms. She was already sick when the picture was taken, a colorful scarf tied around her bald head. It wasn’t Telissa that drew me to the picture, though, it was my kids. They were both smiling at the camera with big wide grins that were bright and happy. Neither of them knew what was going to happen in just a few short weeks. They didn’t know this would be the last picture they ever took with their mom.
CHAPTER TWENTY-SIX - EMILY
The next morning, Sean as in a better mood. He had spent most of the night writing in his study. He seemed to be moving along nicely now, and I couldn’t help but feel like I’d had a hand in it
The night before, his writer’s block had been killing him, and I flipped back and forth between wanting to help and leaving him alone and just going to bed. When I finally went in to talk to him, I was glad I did. It was obvious he needed to talk through his fears with someone. He appeared on Thursday morning, emerging from his room with a wide, easy smile on his face. As I made breakfast, he stole a kiss when the kids weren’t looking. I giggled softly and finished cooking, bringing the plates and utensils to the table.
We all sat down together, ate breakfast, and talked happily about our plans. Tommy and Sarah both wanted to go on another adventure, but I wanted to stay close to the house today. If Sean needed another pep talk, I would be around to give it to him.
“What about the mall?” Sarah asked hopefully. “Do they even have a mall here?”
I laughed. “Not in town. But there’s one a couple towns over.”
“Is it far?” Sarah asked.
“No.” I shook my head. “But we probably won’t go today.”
“Why not?” Sarah asked, poking her bottom lip out in
her signature pout.
“Because we went out yesterday,” I said simply. “Let’s stay around the house today. We can play in the backyard and build a fort upstairs.”
“Yeah!” Tommy said, his eyes lighting up with excitement.
“I want to go to the mall,” Sarah said, her eyes dark. She was glaring at me with her arms crossed over her chest. I’d seen her behave this way toward Sean, but never to me. I cleared my throat and set down my fork, ready for a fight.
“I said no,” I told her firmly. “We’ll go to the mall another day.”
“When?” Sarah asked.
“Probably before school starts,” I said. “So we can get you new clothes.”
