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“How was your day? Did everything go okay?”
My stomach fluttered at his words, even as detached as they sounded to my ears. They had been so simple, but it felt so domestic to me. Connor asked me the same thing almost every day and it was something I looked forward to at the end of each day. It was as if we were a real couple, wondering about the other’s day.
“It was good I guess, yeah. Super busy,” I told him with a shrug, watching the rainy world pass by the windows in a smear of colorful Christmas lights. “How did the meeting with your dad go?”
“He won’t have time for Christmas this year, which is no surprise, he usually doesn’t,” Connor sighed, shaking his head and looking disappointed. It made me even more resentful of Elias Lennox to see the resigned depression flit over his son’s face.
“Uh so, speaking of Christmas,” I said willing my voice not to waver as I spoke, “would you want to take the train to Virginia to my dad’s farm, maybe? It’s half a day away, but we can leave pretty early to get there. If you don’t want to, I mean I completely understand if you don’t want to…” I stammered.
Connor touched my arm with a warm hand, a softness spreading over his face even as I dreaded his answer. “Sadie, of course, I want to go see your family. I’m assuming Alex will be coming with us as well, for the shots or whatever.”
“Connor, listen, about Alex…” I began haltingly, feeling my cheeks grow hot thinking of what Connor must have thought of the two of us so close together.
“Seriously, don’t worry about it, Sadie,” Connor shrugged, looking away. “I’m not worrying about it so neither should you.”
A shock of hurt burned my throat until I couldn't speak, and I looked out of the window to hide my reaction to his flippant words. I tried to swallow the lump that was rising in my throat. It was better this way though, I guessed. At least I knew for sure that the two of us were, and always would be, nothing at all to each other. Connor couldn’t care less about who I dated as long as he proved to his father that he could have a girlfriend for longer than a week and that he was man enough to get his inheritance.
I sat back heavily, forcing my thoughts to turn away from my ridiculous feelings of rejection. I thought of Oliver and Rose and of their great relationship, and of my father. I would be happy to see him after so long away from home and I was excited about that, at least. For the rest of the night, I would think of back home. I would imagine the shifting green of the grassy fields and the calming sounds of the farm animals. I would think of the peaceful horse trail and of the farm house, warm with a blazing fire burning in the cozy brick fireplace. It was peaceful there, even in the chaos of my troubled mind.
“Do you want some pizza now?” Connor asked me brightly once we were actually inside of the apartment. I looked away from him, shaking my head. I had no interest in eating anything, and I definitely didn’t want to be close to him at that moment.
“I think I’m just going to go to bed actually, it’s been a long day for me,” I told Connor quietly. I didn’t hear his response as I left to walk into his room and into the warmth of his bed.
I could hear the TV playing loudly well into the quiet night and I knew that he was wide awake in there, just as I was.
The next morning, which was Christmas Eve, we woke ridiculously early and shuffled around the apartment half-dead with exhaustion in our pajamas. Neither one of us had slept a wink the night before and I downed my coffee in the kitchen like it was a lifeline. Dawn had not yet stolen over the dark night, and still, the city slept beneath the windows of the apartment. I stared at myself in the bathroom mirror, at the tousled fluff of wavy auburn hair and the tired hazel eyes, complete with dark circles underneath. Pale freckles dotted over my nose and I tapped them each, in turn, remembering doing the same to my mother’s nose with chubby fingers when I was a little girl, happy and content with my life. I sighed and began to pull my hair into a half-hearted braid, tucking errant pieces behind my ears as they popped out of the twist. As much as I loved my home, I knew once I was inside of our old house, I would be overwhelmed with memories of my mother and of the times we all had together. I was excited to see my dad though, and I let that thought carry me through the apartment as I packed for the days ahead.
