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“You should eat something, Sadie,” Connor murmured from where he was leaning his hip languidly against the counter, sipping on a cup of warm coffee. He wore a blue hoodie and soft-looking jeans with rips at the knees, and his toes wiggled in his socks on the cold floor. His blonde hair was growing long and soft, and it brushed the pale tops of his ears. It was way too early in the morning for him to be looking so attractive.
“What are we having this fine morning?” I asked him lightly, trying to diffuse the tension that still hovered between the two of us.
“Frozen strawberries with honey and whipped cream,” Connor shrugged, sliding my bowl across to me as I poured a cup of coffee. I raised my eyebrows, and he looked a little embarrassed. “Something my mom used to make when we were in a hurry.”
“It looks great, Connor, really,” I told him seriously, digging into the food as if I hadn’t eaten in days. He smiled a little, eating his chilled strawberries in quick spoonfuls before he washed the dishes and slipped on his sneakers by the door.
“I’m going to take your bags down to the car,” he said without even looking at me, hefting my luggage as if it all weighed nothing. He carried them to the door, opened it, and then left it as quickly as he could, it seemed.
I opened my mouth to reply to his words, to try and fix the rift between us that felt as wide as a cavern and just as deep. I didn’t really know what to say to him. I remembered the quiet, comfortable familiar peace that had been between the two of us, and I silently grieved the loss of it. There was a wall there now, built by my own hands and held together by the feelings I was trying desperately to ignore. Soon, it would crumble, and I would have nothing left to shield me from my emotions for him. I needed that wall to keep me sane and to keep me separate from whatever ridiculous feelings that Connor brought roaring to the surface when my guard was down.
“Ding-dong, I’m coming in,” said a familiar voice at the door Connor had left open. “Anyone home?”
“Alex, yeah hey,” I said, sighing dully at his bright voice. “You’re back here early.”
“Yeah, I figured I could just take the train up there with you guys and get some shots of the countryside while I’m at it,” he shrugged, looking around and shifting his bag over his shoulder.
Truthfully, I had really been looking forward to the long train ride alone with Connor. It would give me time to try and mend the friendship Connor and I had shared before my feelings made it hard to sift through my thoughts. Alex would certainly complicate that though, and I knew that Connor probably thought I was interested in our cameraman now. It was frustrating but I knew how we must have looked, so close and intimate in the coffee shop even though I felt nothing of the sort.
Alex felt something for me, that was for sure. He had needled around it obnoxiously for weeks now, and I was in no mood to deal with any of it anymore. I wasn’t sure if it was wise to rebuke our cameraman and what repercussions my actions might have for us regarding the show and whether we won or not. Though I shouldn't have to care about his feelings, it would still matter to him, and so it might matter to the studio. I would need to face it eventually, but I hoped he would be over his feelings by the time the show ended.
“How long are you going to be staying?” I asked him, trying to make my voice sound politely interested instead of anything that he might take as besotted.
Alex shrugged at me, and before he could answer Connor walked into the apartment.
“I’m sure Alex will be staying with us there for as long as you want him to, Sadie,” he said as he grabbed his own bags. Alex made a face at him as he walked by, and I could see a blush spreading over his cheekbones though he tried to hide it.
“We should get going, then,” I told them, clearing my throat to try and diffuse the awkward tension that had gathered in the room.
I slipped on my shoes quickly and Alex filmed us as we left the apartment. He only turned off his camera after we were on board the train and one of the waitstaff told him that he wasn’t allowed to use it while the train was in motion. He put it away quietly and I was annoyed to see him sitting right across from us, grinning at me in that way of his. Connor’s thigh pressed against mine in the seat and I tried to ignore the feeling, the warmth of his skin under his jeans. The city passed by the window in a blur of grey as the dawn began to descend over the streets and alleys. Bright morning sunlight glinted off of cars and the frost of the night slowly melted in the bright chill of a new day. Soon, the asphalt gave way to the softly rolling countryside speckled in green and crunchy winter brown, and I leaned my head against the cold window, watching as the world brightened beyond the chilled glass of the train. I shivered a little even though it was warm in our little compartment, and then cracked a yawn, which Alex did as well right after me. For some reason, it annoyed me. Connor was beside me in the seat, stretching his arms high above his head and making a sound of contentment. I tried not to stare at the length of skin his hoodie revealed, or the pale trail of hair following the line of his belly button into the waistband of his tight jeans. Alex caught me staring at Connor and I looked away from them both, my cheeks burning and feeling like a child caught with my hand in the candy jar.
