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“He went home for Christmas with his family,” I answered her, stretching my arms high above my head, and feeling the satisfying crack of my joints. “I told him it was fine with me.”
“Can he do that?” Sadie asked me, and I could see her trying her best not to look down at where my shirt rode up on my hips, exposing skin to the chill air. “I mean won’t he get in trouble for leaving without getting the shot?”
Sadie sat down and I shrugged. “It’s Christmas, Sadie.”
“It is,” she said, sitting back and bringing her coffee to the soft pout of her lips. “And all I want is for Rose and the baby to be safe and healthy. I don’t care about anything else.”
Without really even thinking, I reached out hesitantly and grabbed her hand, bringing it to my lips to kiss her fingers. When she didn’t pull away, I murmured, as placatingly as I could, “Everything will be fine, Sadie. You’ll see. Stop worrying.”
The way she stared at me was as if she was seeing right through me to the very marrow of my feelings for her. Or maybe that was just my ridiculous paranoia talking, making me believe that she was in love with me too.
She shook her head then as if to clear it of its current thoughts. “Thank you,” she said, pulling her hand gently out of my grasp. Her voice was quiet and resigned.
My chest ached. After the way I had been at the beginning, I couldn’t imagine Sadie having any sort of love for me, though I knew she didn’t resent me for being somewhat of a prick at the start of it all. I was someone else then, someone darkened by my father’s influence. It seemed that we were different people now, broken down by our time together and then reshaped and forged again in light of recent developments. I didn’t know how to handle my feelings. It seemed logical to just ignore them until they just went away. I didn’t want to though. I would have rather loved Sadie with everything I had, rather than regret that I had never let myself feel anything for her.
“We should talk,” Sadie told me, sitting her cup down and rubbing her hands together as I grabbed my coffee. “I think some things need to be said between us.”
“Okay,” I agreed, sitting back in my chair and waiting for her to shoot down every single hint of affection that might have existed between the two of us. “Let’s talk, then. What’s up?”
Sadie looked over at me as if I was insane, blinking slowly at me. “Connor we had sex. It’s not—” she shook her head, turning away. “It’s not like you can pretend it didn’t happen. Our clothes are still on the floor in the bathroom. It happened, okay?. You know it happened.”
At that point, it seemed as if she were trying to convince herself rather than me and I wondered how she had gotten to the point where she believed that I wanted to pretend it had never happened at all. I almost wanted to laugh, though I knew it wouldn't help the situation. She had no idea how wrong she was. Sadie was the most beautiful and kind-hearted, stubborn, and opinionated woman I had ever met or had the pleasure of knowing in my life. I wondered how I would ever be good enough for her or if it really even matter if I was or not. I wanted her, badly, but I didn’t know if we could ever work out in the context of our real lives. Between my father and our different families, the idea of us becoming something more than what we were was almost laughable, as much as I wanted it to happen. Though I supposed we had already crossed that line a few hours ago in Sadie’s room.
“Who said that I want to pretend that it didn’t happen, Sadie?” I asked her quietly, curious about where this conversation was actually going. Maybe it was just Sadie’s tired ramblings in the cold of the night, and she wouldn’t care once she got some sleep. It was almost two in the morning in West Virginia, and Sadie and I were discussing romance in a hospital waiting room on Christmas day. What a strange turn of events that had led us to this moment. I remembered my last Christmas spent was in a bar downtown, hazy and nauseated, and I was glad that this holiday season had been spent in good company.
“Look, Connor, please,” Sadie gripped the sides of her chair, digging her fingers into the hard texture of the thin cushion as she talked. “I know that neither one of us really expected this to happen. I know that this wasn’t supposed to be something serious, and we weren’t supposed to care about each other—”
