AllFreeNovel
Share Us
Maybe life sucks right now, but it doesn’t mean it’ll always be this way. We’re here, together, and dealing with it as it comes. We’ll eventually make it to the other side. Hopefully, that’ll come sooner rather than later.
The week is rather boring. We barely get any sleep between the two of us. We start the morning with a lovely panic attack, go to work and school, and come home to eat fast food and lie in the recliner until it’s time for bed. Mentally, there doesn’t seem to be any change. Only a steady rate of the same crap.
Tonight, things are changing. Rebecca is insisting I get out of Trace’s house, get off campus, and have some fun. I’ve tried telling her that I don’t know what fun is anymore, but she’s being persistent. Which means I get to go to the club and dance. Yay me.
Trace thought it was funny. The only good thing about that is it got him to laugh today, and he’s been in a particularly sour mood for most of it. Hell, maybe he’s glad he’s getting rid of me. I was supposed to go back to campus yesterday, but decided to stay with him again. The last thing I want to do is leave him like this and go to a damn club.
“Get rid of the frown and smile,” Rebecca demands as she pays our admission. I suppose I’m to be grateful for that, but I’m not. I don’t want to be here. I miss the quiet of Trace’s house. It was calm and peaceful there. This is anything but.
The music is a notch too loud. People are here to party this fine Saturday night. Kill me now. I’ve been bumped into three times too many within the first five minutes. Rebecca tries to get me to dance, but I seriously don’t feel like it. She leads me onto the floor anyway. She can’t be mad if I try, right? Even if I fail, at least I tried.
So, I try.
It sucks, but I suffer through it. Rebecca soon pulls me toward the bar. She orders some drink for her and a water for me. Just as I’m taking a sip, someone bumps into me. My water is spilled all over the front of my shirt, while what smells like beer soaks my back.
Seriously?
Tears form and spill over from seemingly nowhere. I can’t do this. I thought I could, but I can’t. The panic attack chooses this moment to constrict my chest, send my heart racing, clam up my palms, and send my anxiety into overdrive. I have to get out of here. That becomes the single thought in my head. Rebecca starts to say something, but I just shake my head and rush outside. I take deep, gulping, gasping breaths, but it only seems to escalate my panic and my nausea. I barely make it to a nearby trash can in time. My cheeks inflame from embarrassment as people walk by me.
The tears are stronger and steady now. I wipe my mouth on my arm and pull my phone from my purse. The phone rings. And rings. And rings, feeling as if an eternity is passing between each one and I die a little more the longer I have to wait. He doesn’t answer.
I sit on a nearby bench, pull my knees up to my chest, wrap my arms around them, and begin to cry.
“Brittany!” Rebecca rushes over to me. “Are you okay?”
The best I can do is shake my head without looking up at her. I just need to disappear into thin air. I don’t want to be here. I don’t want to be wet and sticky. I don’t want to ruin another night for my best friend. I don’t want to be like this, damn it! How much longer can I live like this? Up and down, down, down. So far down, I can’t even see the surface anymore.
Like a switch flipping, the tears stop and this almost blissful numbing sensation takes over. Who cares? I don’t.
I lift my head. “Sorry, Bec. I think I’m just going to head back early. I’ll catch a cab, okay? Call Dustin or someone and have some fun. I’ll be fine.”
“Are you sure? I don’t mind taking you back.”
“I’ll be fine.” Lies. It’s all a lie. There is no fine. Life is divided between panic, depression, and this numbing period where I don’t give a damn about anything anymore.
“How about we call Trace to pick you up?” Rebecca suggests. “I’d feel better if you left with him since you don’t want me to come with you.”
“No. I don’t want to see him either. I just wanna be alone, okay?”
She stares at me for a moment before nodding. “Okay.”
With that settled, I nod toward the entrance and she leaves me with an unsatisfied look. Don’t give a flying fuck. I catch a cab back to campus. Once I shower, I tak
e my pills that don’t work worth a shit, crawl into bed, and hope the numbness stays for a while. Things have to be easier to manage when it all deflects off of you, right? If you can’t feel anything? If you don’t care?
My phone buzzes with a call from Trace. Rebecca probably texted him that I’ve lost my mind or something. I ignore him, but send a text.
Me: Bad night. Just wanna be left alone, okay?
Trace: That’s usually the last thing you need.
Me: Well, unless you want to get fired, looks like you’ll have to leave me alone anyway.
He doesn’t text me back after that. My new sleeping pills actually work and quickly pull me into an even better place where I don’t have to think, feel, or deal with anything.
I’m not much better off in the morning, but I drag myself out of bed and to class anyway. Autopilot doesn’t seem to accurately describe how I make it through the day. Yes, I’m going through the motions, but I feel even more detached than that. Like when I’m back at the dorms for the rest of the day, I can’t remember a single detail of what I did throughout the day. If it wasn’t for my notes, I’d have no clue what I’m supposed to do for homework.
The first text of the day comes in.
