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We settle into our seats and the bar secures over our laps. Trace takes my hand in his, his thumb drawing maddening circles around my knuckles. I give in to my urge and rest my head on his shoulder. It could be so easy to fall back into a relationship with him. Part of me wishes I would, but that is the last thing I need to do.
Never, in all the years I’ve known Brittany, has there been distance between us. It’s there now. I have no clue what to do with it or how to close the vast gap. Maybe that’s what I need to bring up in therapy next week. I hate it, though. It’s my fault it’s there and somehow, I’m supposed to know how to put it back together.
“So, what do you say? Want to go eat? We could go to your favorite fried pickles restaurant.”
It sucks that she has to think about it. Eventually, she answers, “Yeah, we can do that.”
I smile because it’s a small victory in the long battle ahead of me. Or at least I think so until I catch her squeezing the hell out of her wrist and then she says, “Actually, take me home please.”
“Okay,” I agree quietly. I don’t want to push her. After changing directions, it doesn’t take us long to reach her apartment complex.
“Sorry,” she mutters once I park.
“It’s fine.”
“I had fun.” She still hasn’t looked at me.
“That’s good; I’m glad.”
Brittany nods, but still makes no move to leave my car.
“I’ll walk you in,” I offer.
“Okay.”
We get out, meet around the front of the car, and I take her hand as we walk toward the building. I’m not dumb enough to have thought that we could’ve slipped back into the way things were, but I didn’t think it would be so difficult or feel so bad.
“Tell me what you’re thinking,” I say as we step into the elevator. Just because I can still read her easily doesn’t mean I know exactly what she’s thinking.
She looks over at me with watery eyes. Fuck. What have I done now? Brittany just shakes her head.
“Britt,” I whisper, but she shakes her head again.
The doors slide apart and Brittany walks through, dragging me with her. She lets go of my hand and starts talking as she unlocks her door. “I don’t know if I can do this, Trace. It’s too hard, and I feel like I’m constantly fighting myself because my emotions are contradicting each other. I just don’t know if it’s worth the turmoil.”
My heart begins hammering in my chest. She can’t be giving up and retreating already. Brittany pushes her door open, but I grab her arm before she can escape. Her eyes are full of pain as she looks up at me. I cup her face.
“It’s worth it. We are worth it. Please.” My voice trails off because I don’t even know what exactly I’m begging for anymore. Except for her. I’m begging for her.
Her eyes scan over my face. Suddenly, she grabs the collar of my shirt and pulls me down as she lifts on her tiptoes to kiss me. Her lips are aggressive and her tongue pushes its way into my mouth. I wrap my arms around her waist to pull her flush against me. My fingertips curl and dig into her shirt. This kiss does not belong to a conflicted girl; it belongs to a girl who is desperate to put the pieces back together and keep them that way.
Brittany starts walking toward the door, but I slide my hands
to the underside of her thighs and lift until they’re wrapped around my waist. I walk us inside and kick the door closed behind us.
“Tell me what you want.” I kiss along her jaw and down her neck.
“Bedroom,” she breathes.
Even though I hate to give her an opportunity to change her mind, I ask anyway. “Sure?”
She presses her mouth to mine and nods. Within seconds, we’re in her bedroom and on her bed. I run my hands down her sides, wanting to commit to my memory the feel of her body and to remind myself that she’s here and this is happening. My heart stops when she gently pushes me away. My heartbeat seems like it’s pulsing in my head, but it slows as I realize she’s only removing her shirt. I drink in the sight of her. I could stare at her for hours, but Brittany isn’t having it. She pulls me back down to her lips and then her hands reach for my shorts.
I push them away for now. It’s been one year, two months, and a handful of days since I’ve been able to enjoy her body. Not a thing about this will be rushed. I didn’t do a good enough job before to take care of her. That’s not happening again. I place open-mouthed kisses across her chest. My girl doesn’t trust me, she doubts me, and everything I do has to be a step toward getting rid of that. That thought makes me pause. Brittany removes her bra while I wonder if I should even sleep with her yet.
Brittany grabs my face and pulls my body up until we’re face to face. “Don’t think; just act.”
She doesn’t give me a chance to nod because she kisses me again.
