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“I’m proud of you,” I blurt out.
“Why?”
He can’t seriously not know, can he? He seems genuinely confused. It hurts my heart a little because now I’m wondering if he doesn’t see what I see.
“You’ve made so much progress, Trace. You set your mind to doing better and you did it. You don’t let the bad days overwhelm you and take over.”
Trace shrugs it off. “Wasn’t easy. Still isn’t, but I kept thinking about the end game and what I wanted.” He looks at me. “You.”
Somehow, my heart breaks a little more while also putting a few pieces back together. It’s a bittersweet ache that nevertheless gives me a reason to smile. For the first time, I feel like I’m finally starting to heal.
We don’t say anything for a while after that. Trace’s route is simply half a mile down the road and back.
“So,” Trace begins, “I was thinking you could stay over Friday night and we could go look at apartments Saturday morning.”
“That sounds like a plan. What are we doing for our date, by the way?”
“You’ll find out,” he answers with a smirk. “All I’ll say is that I plan for it to be laid back and relaxing.”
Which sounds perfect. This week has been stressful and I’ve been worried about our date, wondering if I’ll have any energy left by the time the end of the week gets here. I don’t want my mood or anxiety to ruin the date.
“Hey, how’s your mom doing?”
“Good. I talked to her yesterday after I left your house. She’s still pretty worried about me, especially when I told her if I could find another place, I’ll be moving soon. She didn’t say it, but I think she’s worried about so much going on at once. It’s life, though, right? Have to learn how to juggle it all.”
“And I have complete faith in you,” Trace says as we reach his house. “Do you want to stay for dinner?”
YES! my mind shouts. However, I answer, “I should probably go. I need to run by the grocery store and do laundry.” The desire to jump into his arms and demand he have his way with me is still too strong. I don’t want to tempt fate just yet. Trace nods, kisses me briefly, and then opens the door to my car for me.
“Text me if you need me.”
“I will,” I promise.
“And text me if you don’t.”
“I will,” I laugh.
“I love you.”
“I love you, too.”
Trace was right. Sometimes a simple walk can do wonders for a person. I feel…weightless. After being bogged down, heavy with the weight of thousands of my mind’s burdens, I finally feel light, as if I’m floating above the surface. It’s a wonderful feeling. All thanks to Trace reentering my life and pulling me back above water, so I can get my fight back.
Unfortunately, the struggle, the weight and heaviness, returns the moment I enter my apartment and am surrounded by the silence of being alone with my dangerous thoughts.
Brittany: Positive #1 – I am now medicated.
Brittany: Positive #2 – I think I’ll like him.
Brittany: Positive #3 – Work is slow today.
Me: Happy to hear all of those things!
“Have you heard about me?”
I lift my gaze from my phone to Ben. We’re out at lunch and I’m confused by his question. “Heard what?”
His shoulders deflate just a little. “Brittany hasn’t said anything about me?”
