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“Why would she?”
“Because I’m dating her co-worker!”
“Maybe Melissa hasn’t told her yet, or she assumed I already knew,” I say as I try to come up with some explanation. After all, it’s been days since they first met and Ben hasn’t said anything to me until now.
“This kinda bums me out.”
I laugh. “You’ll get over it. So, you’re dating her?”
“Yeah. I’ve seen her just about every other day. I think she could be the one.”
“It hasn’t even been a week,” I point out.
“I don’t care. If I could marry her tomorrow, I would.” He sounds and looks so serious and sure, too.
“You’re insane. You barely know her!”
“I know enough,” he replies confidently. “I’m telling you right now, all the bad shit I got going on, I’m changing for her. People don’t do that for just anybody.”
That is true. “You should do it for yourself.”
Ben shrugs. “She motivates me better than I can myself.”
Makes sense. I mean, it took falling in love with Brittany and then walking away to realize how much work I needed to put into myself, how much I needed to better myself. She motivated me more than I or anyone else ever could.
Ben continues, “You’re improving yourself for Brittany because one day, you see yourself marrying her, don’t you? Same thing.”
It is so not the same thing, but I don’t say that. Instead, I reply, “Keyword being one day. I had a hard enough time getting her back, and now, I have to earn her trust that I won’t abandon her ever again. Proposing isn’t going to happen for a long time.”
“Proposing with the promise of spending forever together could be a good way to get her to trust you.”
I laugh because that’s ridiculous. “A promise shown with a ring isn’t going to mean much when I’ve broken promises before. Why are we even talking about this?”
He shrugs and we change the subject, thankfully. Marriage isn’t exactly an easy topic for me, considering my first one was an epic failure. That was ninety-nine percent my fault. I’m better now than I was then, but that doesn’t mean I’m fit to be married either. There’s still work to be done. Brittany and I need to be able to have a stable relationship before we can even think about the next step.
I shove all of those thoughts out of my head the moment I step into the office for the rest of the work day. The day passes by smoothly, and soon, Brittany and I are stepping onto the sidewalk for our walk with Lily.
“Did you know that Melissa and Ben are still seeing each other?”
Brittany nods. “She told me; I figured you already knew.”
“Ben mentioned it today at lunch.”
“Do y’all always have lunch together?” she asks.
“Usually. How was your day?”
“Good. Last night was kinda hard, though. I need to figure out how to handle being alone in my apartment. I had always lived with someone before I had to get my own place, and I don’t think it’s supposed to be this hard.”
“How
is it hard?” I’m sure to ask in a curious, gentle way. I want to know what it is about being alone in her home that makes her struggle. Maybe I can help her with it.
She seems to think about it. “I don’t know. It’s like I can’t turn my thoughts off. It’s too quiet and my mind is so loud. I tried listening to music, but it made me feel worse. I tried to find something funny on TV, but I didn’t really feel anything. I gave Melissa what alcohol I had left, so that temptation is gone. It felt more like I was sitting around, twiddling my thumbs, and trying not to think about anything in particular. What if I’m a person who can’t live alone because it’ll drive me mad?”
It didn’t even occur to me that something like that could be an issue for her. It makes sense, especially if she’s used to, in a way, relying on someone else to keep her distracted and out of her own head. I don’t get a chance to answer because Brittany keeps talking.
“I mean, look at what happened. I moved into my own place, stopped taking my meds, and let myself spiral out of control. What if—”
