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Since she’s gone for the night, I finish dinner, eat, walk Lily, and leave. Might as well take advantage of her being gone and pissed at me.
When I make it back to the house, Brittany is still gone. Is it bad to hope that Melissa calms her down and convinces her not to be mad at me anymore? I wish there was a way to keep doing what I’m doing without messing with her insecurities, pissing her off, and making this worse between us. There doesn’t seem to be a way to do that since I can’t take time off of work to do it. I just didn’t realize at first what I was getting myself into and now, I’m too far in to stop if even I wanted to.
Brittany comes home around nine. She seems worse than when she left.
“Everything okay?” I ask.
“Just fine,” she answers. Yet she’s squeezing the hell out of her wrist. She seems antsy. What in the hell happened while she was gone with Melissa?
“Dinner with Melissa was fun?”
“Yeah.”
She still hasn’t looked at me.
Abruptly, she stands with her purse. “I need a hot shower; it’s been a long day.” Brittany rushes to our bedroom.
Now she’s the one acting weird and suspicious.
Wait.
Does she think I’m acting suspiciously? What reasons has her mind come up with for my behavior? Is she thinking the worst of me or giving me the benefit of the doubt? I can’t ask because if I bring up the topic, she’s going to want answers. Answers I can’t give her. I can’t tell her what’s going on. I just can’t. It would ruin everything.
Now is not the time to ease either of our consciences. All I can do is hope we both hang in there for the time being.
“Just so you know,” Melissa starts, “I hate periods. Usually, mine are pretty tame, but this one is giving me a run for my money. I’m bloated with bad headaches and cramps. Plus, my boobs hurt! So over it. Tell me yours are just as bad, so I don’t have a reason to hate you.”
I laugh. “This is not good dinner conversation, just so you know.” I think about my last period and realize it’s been a while. Oh, god. I’ve missed my period. With everything going on with Trace, I haven’t even thought about it. It didn’t occur to me that I missed it. Maybe it’s just stress.
“Are you okay? You’re pale.”
“Yeah, I just don’t feel well. If it makes you feel better, my periods are terrible and my boobs hurt, too.” The latter is the truth. They’ve been more sore than usual. Sometimes with my period, they hurt anyway, so maybe that’s a good sign.
But pregnant women have achy boobs, too, right?
Dear lord.
What if my vomiting isn’t just my anxiety?
What if it’s morning sickness? When does that usually start? Damn it! Why don’t I know this?
I need to find out. Then I’ll freak out if needed.
I try to stay focused during dinner, but it’s hard. Especially when I go to the bathroom and wonder if I’m going more than usual. Dinner with Melissa ends at seven. She heads home to her “wonderful husband” while I go to the drug store. Is this really happening?
I’m sitting in my car in front of the drug store, trying to get the courage to go inside and buy a pregnancy test. How accurate are those things anyway? Maybe I should wait and go see my doctor. Let her tell me.
No, I can’t wait that long.
Which means I need to go inside, buy a test, and go home to take it.
All without Trace
knowing.
There’s no way I’m saying a word to him until I know for sure. What is this going to do to us? Especially since he’s up to god knows what. The minutes pass, stretching out farther and farther until I’ve been here for an hour and a half. I should get home soon. It’s now or repeating the process all over again tomorrow.
With a deep breath, I rush into the store, assess all the boxes, randomly grab one, and rush to the cashier. I stuff it in my purse. I feel like there’s an elephant sitting on my chest as I drive home. What if I’m pregnant? What do I know about kids? Nothing!
