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That is understandable. “Do you need some time to yourself? You can go in my room and get away from all of this,” I motion to the rug covered with toys and my son who bangs two of them together, “if you need to for as long as you’d like.”
Her eyes tell me she really wants to do this, but she hesitates for some reason.
“Idaline, it’s been a long, information-packed day. Add a kid to that and you’re bound to be exhausted. And if you’re still having anxiety issues, you really need the break, I’m guessing. Go take it. We’ll be fine. The only one required to be around Sawyer right now is me. If you need to take a breather, love, take it. We won’t mind.”
She leans over and kisses me quickly. “Thank you,” she whispers.
My eyes trail after her, lingering on the subtle sway of her hips as she walks until Sawyer gets my attention in a terrible way. One of the worst things about babies is when they try to stand and use you to do it. That doesn’t sound so bad, right? But what if you had long arm hair and they like to pull at it? Sawyer does that shit when he uses my arm to pull himself up to stand or when he’s not paying attention and just grabs my arm. He’s yanked at my arm hairs so much, I’m surprised I have any hair left.
“Let’s settled down some, son. Want to help me cook? Are you hungry?” I tickle his stomach, causing him to laugh. “Nom nom nom?” I ask. That’s another way of me asking him if he wants to eat.
“Nom!” he grunts back. The two words he clearly knows are DaDa and nom.
I grab something for him to play with before sitting him in his highchair while I go about getting our dinner together. Before I can grab anything out of the fridge, there’s a knock on my door. I pick Sawyer up and take him with me to answer it.
There on the other side is my mother.
“I brought dinner,” she announces, handing me the bag and reaching for Sawyer all in one swift move that has been done plenty of times.
“Enough for a plus one if I have one?” I ask as she walks past me.
“What are you talking about?”
“Idaline’s here.”
Mom twists and turns, looking for her. “Here?”
“She needed a break, so she’s in my room.”
“Wow.”
We get Sawyer back in his highchair. Mom always brings too much food, so there’s plenty for Idaline, too. Mom feeds Sawyer while I lean against the fridge.
“How is it going?”
I shrug. “She’s more thrown off by Sawyer than anything else, I think.”
Mom nods. “You can’t expect her to come in and be Sawyer’s mom.”
“I don’t,” I interrupt. “Would it be great if she eventually took that role? Yeah, sure, but we’re nowhere near that happening.”
“But she knows that’s what it’ll be and she might not be ready for that so soon anyway,” Mom points out. “She came here, thinking she was getting you. And now, she finds out she’s getting you and a little boy. That’s a lot for a woman. It’s not even her son.”
“Mom,” I chastise. “I may not know everything about Idaline, but I know enough that the most important thing to her about Sawyer is that he’s a part of me. I know it’s a lot to put on her, but it’s not like I won’t give her whatever time she may need, too. She’s the one I need to be with and I’ll do everything to make it happen.”
“What if she doesn’t want kids?” Mom asks point blank.
“She does.” Otherwise, she wouldn’t keep a list of favorite names for potential kids.
“What if right now in her life, she doesn’t want to date someone with a baby?”
That’s the question, isn’t it? Maybe since she’s still here, that means it’s not a dealbreaker for her. I don’t know. All I know is I need Idaline and she needs me. Sawyer scares her and that’s my fault for not preparing her at all for the fact that he exists. All I need to do is make her see that we can make this work. She can handle this. We’re soulmates. That’s what she said. She can’t give up on me now.
“Can I stay and meet her?” Mom asks later when I’m giving Sawyer his bath. When I peeked on Idaline earlier, she was asleep and I haven’t bothered waking her up.
“No. I’d rather you go on and leave. I’ve overwhelmed her enough for one day.” When Mom sighs, I add, “When she’s ready, you can. I’m not rushing Idaline.”
“Rushing me how?”
