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I run my clammy hands over my thighs. “Nothing.” He stares at me until I huff. “Fine. The irritability, is that all due to the, uh, depression? Or only made worse by it?”
“It depends. Are you as quick-tempered as before?”
“Sometimes.”
He seems to think about something before saying, “Here’s what we’re going to do. You haven’t been on this medication long enough for me to be comfortable making any adjustments yet. Instead, I want you to actively work on not letting things get to you and keeping your temper in check. Talk to Ms. Cynthia about it, she can help too. If that doesn’t help, then we’ll talk adjustments. See what you can do first, though.”
When I get to Ms. Cynthia’s office, I have to wait because her prior appointment is running late, so I text Olivia.
Me: Dr. Stewart may not be too bad after all.
Olivia: Good appt then?
Me: Yeah, waiting on Ms. Cynthia now. Hate waiting.
Olivia: But you get to talk to me! :)
Me: That makes it worth it. Gtg, have fun tutoring!
I slide my phone into my back pocket as I walk over to where Ms. Cynthia is waiting. She leads me into the back where her office is.
“You look like you’ve been sleeping better. Are Olivia’s nightmares gone?” she jumps right in.
“For now, yeah.” I go ahead and explain everything that happened.
“And what do you think about all of it?”
“I don’t know. I mean, I wish she hadn’t gone through it, but all I want is to make her happy now. She’s done so much for me and that’s the least I can do in return.” That’s not the only reason why I want to make her happy. I’m not getting into that with Ms. Cynthia, though. “We’re going to see my siblings this week,” I add, ready to change the subject. “Should be fun.”
“This might be a good time to tell them what’s going on with you. You’re doing better, you’re at a good place right now, and Olivia will be with you. We’ve already decided that she’s good for you. If you’re going to tell them, I have a feeling you need her there with you.”
This weekend? As in less than a few days away? I would need way more time to prepare for something like that. “I don’t know.”
“Why not? You manage to talk to me, Olivia, and Dr. Stewart. You can do the same with your siblings.”
“I’ll think about it.” Probably not.
With the last few minutes of our session, she gives me some techniques on how to not let an annoyance turn into anger. When I get home, I wonder if I’ll actually have the balls to tell my siblings the truth. I set my keys on the end table, pick up the football, and lie down on the couch. I begin tossing it up in the air.
On the one hand, I don’t want to tell them. At least, not this weekend. Luce is still recovering from her surgery and she’s about to leave for spring break. No need to drop a bomb on her like that until after she’s back. Then again, is there ever really the right time to tell someone you’re on pills and going to therapy for depression?
Plus, I’ll be there for an entire weekend. There wouldn’t be a way to escape, especially if Olivia is with me. She’ll force me to face them and any questions they have. That would be a good thing. However, it doesn’t mean I’ll like or enjoy it. How would I even bring it up? Hey, Patrick, pass me the mashed potatoes and by the way, I’m depressed. But, no worries. I see a psychiatrist who gives me pills and a therapist, who is a hateful old woman that I kind of like. Oh, my girlfriend knows too and she helps me.
That sounds ridiculous! How the hell am I supposed to explain all of this to them in a way that makes sense? Sighing, I flick my wrist a little harder, the football going higher.
The football.
I’m tossing my football.
It’s falling back into my hands as I realize this when Olivia says, “What are you doing with the football? I thought you two weren’t acknowledging each other.”
Her voice startles me; I didn’t hear her enter. The football slips through my fingers, hitting me in the face. “Damn it, Olivia.”
“Sorry. Didn’t mean to make you lose your concentration.” She folds her arms over the back of the couch, peering down at me. I hand her the football. “Why are you giving it to me?”
“I didn’t realize I was even doing that until just now.”
“So I ruined it?” Her pretty little mouth frowns.
