AllFreeNovel
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Me: Good. Have fun. Talk later. :)
With her gone, I don’t have to do yoga. I kick back on the couch, text Lucy to make sure she had safe travels, and watch TV. It’s a nice, relaxing night. My football is sitting on the end table. I start to pick it up, but decide against it. When did the football become my football? That can’t be good.
“Think of the future children you may have.”
It should become my football with that logic. Don’t I want to be able to do the same things my dad did with me? Doesn’t even have to be my kids. Maybe it’s Patrick’s or Jon’s or Lucy’s kids one day way down the road. Reaching over, I pick up the football, turning it over in my hands as if I’m examining it. Olivia was right. I lost my ability to play, but I didn’t lose my love for the game.
Still, I should take baby steps. Life is pretty good right now, maybe better than ever before. I don’t want to jinx myself or mess this up. On that note, I place it back on the end table and go to bed early.
DURING MY LUNCH break, Olivia texts me.
Olivia: Think I’ll stay four days. Think you can survive without me until then? Haha
Me: I’ll manage. Glad you’re having a good time.
Olivia: :) Do you miss me yet?
Me: Nope. Haha, things have been quiet, no talking going on. It’s nice.
Olivia: You like talking more than you think. But I’m hurt that you don’t miss me! :( I miss you. Only a little, though. I like being away from your grouchiness.
Me: I’ll be extra grouchy for you when you get back then. :) I was kidding. I do miss you. Only a little, though. I like not doing yoga everyday.
Olivia: Liar! You love yoga. You love everything I get you to do. You’d be lost without me, might as well admit it haha.
Me: I would be lost without you, Olivia. No doubt. Gotta get back to work.
That bothers me all afternoon. Would I really be lost without her? She’s been gone two days and I’m doing just fine. No freaking out, no lows, no problems. I can last two more days, right? Or maybe Olivia is the glue holding my broken pieces back together. I get lost in my tasks as we finish up this remodeling project this week. I’m excited about what may come next, but nervous at the same time.
All of this seems to spin out of control at a rapid pace. Without Olivia, I’m lost and on a downward spiral. I’m dependent on her like I was dependent on football. That can only lead to a disaster. Suddenly, the thought of going home alone seems daunting. She’s not within arm’s reach in case I fall apart. I’m on edge enough to feel like that is about to happen at any moment.
“Corey.” Hank’s stern tone snaps me out of my head. “Time to go home. The work day is over.”
“Already?” It could be me imagining things, but my voice sounds squeaky. A quick glance shows that everyone else has left already. “Are you sure?” Dumb question, but I ask anyway.
His head tilts as his brows pull together. “Yes, I’m sure. Go home, boy.”
Only, I don’t want to go home. I have no other options, though, so I pack up my things, stop to pick up food, and go home. Things are quieter, darker, and almost spooky. Plopping down onto the couch and turning on the TV, I pull out my chicken dinner and begin to eat. I’m psyching myself out. Have to be. That’s the best explanation. The safest.
My chest reclaims a familiar heavy feeling when I take my pill and lie down for the night. There’s one mantra repeating in my head as I slowly begin to doze off.
I’m strong enough to stand on my own two feet.
I’m strong enough to stand on my own two feet.
I’m strong enough to stand on my own two feet.
I am strong enough to stand on my own two feet.
IF IT’S POSSIBLE, I’m quieter than usual. I don’t talk unless I have to, easily wrapped up and lost in my mind. The thing is, I’m not really thinking about anything in particular. I’m doing what Hank or Nate is telling me to do, numbly going through the motions of my day. Every other thought is a variation of wanting to go home, fall into my bed, and go back to sleep.
When I do finally make it home, I only get as far as the couch. It’s like a switch has been flipped. I mean, what the hell am I even doing? Dad wanted me to be a pro football player, not a carpenter. I’ve failed him anyway. Not only because my football career is long gone, but because I’ve been a shitty brother to all of my siblings too. Everything is wrong and isn’t as it should be. There’s no way to fix it either. It’s hopeless.
Life su
cks.
Living has made me tired today.
