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“And that’s a bad thing?”
“Yes! It’s a very bad thing. He wasn’t supposed to know that.”
She frowned. “If that’s how you feel, then he does need to know.”
“No! No he doesn’t. He’s supposed to know that I agreed to this, and that...that...he wasn’t supposed to know.”
“Why does him knowing the truth upset you so much? Don’t you think things would be easier if you both were on the same page as you navigate this relationship?”
I got up to pace. “This is not how things were supposed to go. I was supposed to figure out a way to end things without him being hurt in the process.”
Scratching of pen against paper. “You entered into a relationship you don’t want, and from our talks, it seems you’ve been putting all your energy into finding a way out. Being dishonest to yourself and him does neither of you any favors.”
I looked up at the graying sky. Rain was expected later, and I hoped it would hold off until after Macy and I finished shopping. Malcolm asked me to finish picking out some of the key pieces while he was gone. Now I was wondering if I should bother. Would he really want to live in a house decorated by me for a future I didn’t think was going to happen?
“Calida?”
I turned back to face Dr. Carr.
“What scares you the most?”
“What do you mean?”
“About being in a relationship. Have you stopped to really think about what is at the core of your fear?”
“There’s nothing to think about. I was married to…I was in love with a man that kidnapped, tortured, and killed women for sport. He was planning on making me watch as he killed my best friend because I left him.”
“Do you think every man out there is going to be like him?”
“No, of course not. But…”
“Yes?”
“I didn’t know. I can’t be trusted. Looking back now, Seth gave me all kinds of warnings that I willingly ignored. I became his willing victim.”
“For survival.”
“Maybe. Or maybe that’s the lie I tell myself to hide the truth. I loved him. Even at the end. What kind of person does that make me?”
I wrapped my arms around my body. The first raindrops pelted the windows of her office.
“It makes you human. The heart is a great mystery, and is often known for doing the exact opposite of what you want.”
“Speaking from experience, doctor?” I asked, walking over to retake my seat.
She smiled, and pushed her glasses up. “I think most people have some experience with that.”
“Some more than others.”
“Very true.” She paused, taking a look at her notes. “What is your fear, Calida? Your real fear? You need to think about that. That’s our time for now.” She closed her notebook. “Remember, honesty is key. With yourself as well as with Malcolm.”
I nodded, grabbing my purse as I stood. “See you next week.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Mitch greeted me with a warm smile and a welcoming hug when he opened the door. “Lee, how are ya?”
“Good. No patients today?”
