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Those emotions were still fresh, and the last thing I wanted was to lose my cool and for her to think it was directed at her.
“The reason I couldn’t look at you the next day had nothing to do with you. Well, not in the way you think. I was…am pissed and ashamed at myself for being too fucking dense to not have considered he would have done something like that. Or, hell, maybe I did, but didn’t want to admit it to myself. Whatever the case may be, the fact remains that morning was about me. I’d spent the night thinking back over everything I’d done, the way I pushed you at times, and I was fucking pissed! I was pissed I’d fucked up so badly and ignored all the signs right in front of me!”
I threw the shorts to the floor. “I...I wanted to be someone that you could count on. I...why didn’t you tell me?”
“Because…the way you all looked at me when I was in the hospital. That was hard enough. The pity. The disappointment. I couldn’t handle it, so if you had known, it would have been worse. Besides, who was I going to tell? Macy, my best friend, she didn’t talk to me for months. She could have died because of my actions. I didn’t want anyone feeling sorry for me any more than they already were.”
“It wasn’t pity or disappointment, Calida. It was fear, sadness, hell, a whole slew of emotions, but never disappointment. As for who to tell, anyone. I was there, or tried like hell to be there. You had your parents, you’re paying a small fortune to Dr. Carr. You had options, Calida!”
“Obviously, I didn’t see it that way. I pushed it down. I tried not to think about it. I lived with him. I was married to him. Every day I was in fear of him killing someone I loved if I didn’t behave. So what if he was angrier one time over the next? The end result was the same. I couldn’t focus on it! I couldn’t! You all wanted me better. It was like none of you knew how to act around me, so I just pushed it down. I got really good at pushing it down. I had to. You all wanted me better, so I was better.”
My head reeled with the new information. Just when I didn’t think the hell she went through could have been any worse, she proved me wrong. The anger and pain from the night I’d found out boiled to new heights. More than once. He’d done that do her more than once? I took a breath, needing to remain calm for her sake.
“Yes, we wanted you better, but that didn’t mean you needed to hide your feelings from me. From any of us.”
“Can you honestly tell me had you known, you wouldn’t have treated me differently? More so than you already were?” She sounded tired. Defeated.
“Hell yes, I would have, but not for the reason you think. You went through an impossible and traumatic experience. No one expected you to be fine whether we knew that part or not. If you needed to scream, cry, punch someone, whatever, that’s what you needed to do.”
I took a step forward. She shook her head.
“I would have been there, by your side the whole way through, trying harder to make sure you knew you weren’t alone. Making sure you knew you had someone to take care of you when you couldn’t take care of yourself. I fucking love you, Calida! I would have been there to make sure you felt it even when you didn’t realize it.”
I stared into her red-brimmed eyes. Seeing her like this, so lost and deflated, all fight drained from me. I pinched the bridge of my nose, and mentally counted to ten. Since learning about what he’d done, I’d racked my brain to figure out why she felt like she had to keep it a secret, and now it made sense. She didn’t trust us.
She’d resorted to putting on this act, pretending, all while hiding her deepest pain from all of us. We’d failed her. I’d failed her.
“I’m sorry. I’m sorry that I put that kind of pressure on you. And I’m sorry that because of it, you had to keep everything in. We’ve made you feel alone in this, but you’re not. I’m here. I’ll always be here for you. In whatever way you need me to be.”
She drew in a shaky breath before dropping down onto the bed, and burying her face in her hands. Without hesitation, I crossed the room, and pulled her into my arms when I took a seat beside her.
“I’m so tired. I...I just don’t know anymore. I’m so tired.”
I kissed the top of her head. “Get some sleep. The bed is very comfortable.”
I started to get up, but she stopped me. “Stay with me.”
I thought about telling her no. I didn’t want her to wake up and possibly freak out in the morning, but she was so frail and vulnerable that I couldn’t leave her.
“Okay, just let me get changed.”
“For what?”
“Because sleeping in jeans would be hella uncomfortable.”
She sat up and gave me a shy smile. “But I thought you said you slept in nothing.”
Chapter 32
Malcolm
I was at a loss on how to respond.
“I don’t want you to be uncomfortable in your house.”
“Uh, I’ll be fine in a pair of gym shorts. No biggie.”
She leaned forward, kissing me for the second time. With her lips still pressed against mine, she whispered the last words I expected to hear. “Make love to me, Malcolm.”
