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“Any time.”
I pulled away so I could change. I picked up my pajamas and darted into the bathroom. When I came back out, Malcolm was already in bed, shirtless but still wearing his pants. I climbed in beside him. His arms wrapped around me as I rested my head on his chest. Having him here was better than downing a bottle of wine.
Chapter 43
Calida
“How was your week?” Dr. Carr asked.
I repositioned myself in the leather club chair and shrugged. “Okay I guess.”
She pushed her purple rimmed glasses up on her nose as she sat back, crossing her legs. “That’s an interesting way to answer.”
“Not really.”
“Why do you ‘guess’ it was okay?”
I thought about everything that happened since I was here last. That now seemed like a lifetime ago. How could so much happen in a week’s time?
“A lot’s happened since I was here last week.”
“Anything you want to talk about?”
I got up and walked to the window. A chill ran through me. I crossed my arms, using my hands in an attempt to warm up. There were a few topics I could choose.
Having sex with Malcolm came to mind first, followed closely by the disastrous encounter the night of our date. Things had been off with him since then, at least in my mind. We’d talked and everything, but something remained…different. Then there was Macy and how upset she’d been to find out about the panic attacks. Even though she didn’t say anything, I could tell she’d been hurt I’d not confided in her before. She’d suffered enough in her own right, I hadn’t wanted to add to that.
I turned back. Dr. Carr sat patiently waiting on me to answer. “I told Macy about my panic attacks.”
“She wasn’t aware of them before?”
I shook my head as I returned to my seat. “They happened mostly at home when I was alone. Besides, telling her would have just been an unnecessary burden she didn’t need.”
She jotted down a few notes. “I see. How did it feel sharing that with her?”
I shrugged. “Not as hard as I thought it would be.”
“That’s a good thing. Can I ask why you opened up to Macy? Since you’d hidden them from her, what changed that made you want to let her in?”
I shifted in the chair, looking down at my hands, then clasped them together in my lap. My thumb ran across the smooth surface of my ring. “I had a breakdown in front of Malcolm, so the cat was out of the bag, so to speak. I didn’t think he’d say anything, but I got mad at myself for letting him see me like that. Anyway, things were tense with us. Mix in dinner at Macy’s, she picked up on it, and got on Mal’s case. And you know how I
feel about causing rifts, so I let her know. I didn’t want her to keep thinking Mal was doing something wrong when he wasn’t.”
She made more notes. “There are a few things I’d like to go deeper on. If I’m understanding you correctly, you opened up to Macy more for Malcolm than for yourself.”
I frowned. “No, that’s not...if I didn’t want her to know, then I wouldn’t have said anything. I managed to keep it hidden for years. My relationship with Malcolm is complicated enough. I don’t want or need them butting heads over me. Macy can be a lot. I know this. It’s how she is. Sometimes, boundaries aren’t really her thing. Add me and her brother in, and she wants to be right in the middle.”
“Okay, so telling her was your way of playing peace-keeper?”
“Yeah, maybe a little. And it helped. I mean it was good to let her know, to not hide that from her. On top of that, she agreed to stop giving him a hard time about me. Two birds, one stone. I thought you’d be happy I talked to someone. Progress and all.”
“Your therapy isn’t about making me happy, Calida. If you feel good about your decision and opening up to your friend, no matter the reason behind it, then that is a step in the right direction.” She paused to look back at some of her notes. “Speaking of progress, you had a major breakthrough last session. If you’re up to it, I’d like to talk about some of those things.
I let out a breath, remembering my breakdown last week. All the topics I’d danced around before I’d dumped them on her lap in one heap. “What do you want to tackle first?”
“That’s up to you, Calida. Do you remember everything you said last week?”
I shook my head. Much of last week remained a blur. While I know I blurted out a lot, I couldn’t say for sure what all I talked about.
